Let’s Talk About Ketchup Packets and How Small and Annoying They Are

ketchup and friesIf you're a fast-food French fry lover like m'self, then welcome. Let's discuss our favorite food and the inherent problem with it that no one is talking about. I'm not referencing the well-known fact that this vice is slowly killing us, or that we're all gonna die fat and alone, I'm talking about something perhaps a little more light-hearted, but just as grave. Ketchup. More specifically, ketchup packets. Most specifically, ketchup packets and their god-forsaken small sizes.

You'd think since the portion sizes of burgers and fries have, like, tripled in the last 50 years that the ketchup packets should've, as well. BUT NO. When's the last time someone has asked you if you'd like to super-size your ketchup? NEVER. And this, as I see it, is a problem.


I'd like my high fructose corn syrup and onion powder mixed with red tomato paste concentrate to complement the gargantuan, inhumane sizes of my containers of fries. Is that too much to ask?

How many hours have we wasted as a nation, asking for extra ketchup? How many fries have gotten cold as we pause to rip open another too-small packet? How many more carbon emissions have been released into the environment when we must circle back through the drive-through upon realization that the fry-to-ketchup ratio is disastrously disproportionate? How many throats have been cut as we try to get out the last bit of red goodness from that soft, aluminium packet, only to swallow a bit of that jagged top? How much more must we suffer this indignity?

Before I die (from arterial plaque, no doubt) I'd like to see ketchup packets come in small, medium, large, and who are we kidding, X-large and XX-large packets. If the standard now is 9 grams, I dream of seeing maybe a 12-grammer as a medium, all the way up to 21 grams in the 2-XL.

FYI, the weight of the human soul is rumored to be about 21 grams. Coincidence? I think not.

So if any of you ketchup execs out there are reading this, help a lady out. If such variance in packet sizes exists, please stock our fast-food eateries ASAP. If this has never occurred to you despite the fact that we can now by fries by the car-load, it's time to wake up and smell the distilled vinegar and natural flavoring: your puny packets are cutting it anymore.

I demand you increase their size, despite the obvious look!-the-ketchup-packets-are-getting-bigger!-America-is-fat! backlash that everyone sees coming from a mile away.

Some of us just like a lot of ketchup, a lot, OK? So catch up.

Can anyone relate?


Photo via 14zawa/Flickr

Read More >