Man Steals Roommate's Milk & Gives Hilariously Bizarre Explanation

LOL 11

refrigeratorThere are few things more disappointing and infuriating than going to your own refrigerator or to the one in your office and finding the food you'd planned on eating has been stolen. Okay, there are plenty of things more disappointing, but the fact is it sucks, and people who knowingly steal other people's food are low.

One such thief, however, really wanted his roommate to know the why behind his crime. Instead of just saying sorry, Alex Koplow wrote an epic explanation to his roommate, explaining his actions, which his roommate then posted on Reddit. It's long, but it's a bizarre and fascinating read. He begins:

Mark,

Right about now you might be thinking, "Hey, what happened to my milk? It looks like somebody opened it and drank some of it.”

Well, good intuitions, Mark. You’re right. You’re a very good problem solver. Somebody did dink your milk. I did. This is Alex. Hello.

He goes on to list five reasons as to why he decided to drink the milk. From the most obvious -- that he wanted to eat cereal and didn't have any of his own -- to the truly bizarre fifth reason that read:

5. You were gone. I missed you. Perhaps drinking your milk was some subconscious, deep-rooted attempt at connecting with you. So asking why I took your milk is probably as unanswerable as asking why the heart does anything.

And oh, yes, it gets even freakier when he starts talking about another incident in which beer was involved. He said Mark offered him beers while they were playing a game the other night. He drank two, but declined the third "out of respect" for Mark and his purchases. BUT since it was offered to him, he still felt some ownership to it and used that to justify the milk theft.

That third beer, which in some sense I still have a claim to, was in the fridge last night. I did NOT drink that. I really considered it. But I thought, what would Mark want me to do.

Rock and hard Place, I know. But I did what I thought you would do: sacrifice a little bit of milk to your dear, hungry friend. If you disagree with this decision, you really have no one to blame but yourself. I was acting on your behalf.

In the end he offers some restitution including some beer and one (1) glass of his orange juice, but does conclude that he just may steal more of Mark's milk in the future. You can read the whole bizarre thing for yourself, and I promise it will make you appreciate any roommates you had or currently have. I think I would seriously question my safety if I got a note like this from someone with whom I was living.

I suppose it's better than him lying and saying he didn't do it, but the dude must have a lot of time on his hands ... and some serious issues. Food stealing is wrong -- very wrong -- but there's no use crying over a little stolen milk ... or taking the time and energy to craft an apology like this.

Have you ever had food stolen by a roommate or coworker? Did the thief offer any explanation?

 

Image via PV KS/Flickr

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BubbsJNL BubbsJNL

I have to be honest...I think it's HILARIOUS and could absolutely see myself spending the time crafting a litany of excuses for the sole purpose of making the victim of my dairy burglary giggle.

nonmember avatar Michelle

OH MY GOD. This reminded me of that roommate that Chandler had in "Friends", the crazy guy with the annoying laugh that never got ANY of Chandler's hints to MOVE OUT! This was awesome....how can you do ANYTHING but laugh at this?!!? He obviously has way too much time on his hands! Although if this were MY roommate, I would reconsider my living situation :)

Taisie Taisie

I think if their actually good friends, than it was really funny! And yes, I have had roomates that were asses and stole my food all the time, and boy did it piss me off, and then I had roomates that I was very good friends with, who ate my food, all the time, an in return, i just ate theirs, and life was great :) It all depends on the situation, and how close ya'll are :)

nonmember avatar Emme

I was going to create a response of my own, but Taisie said it perfectly.

dirti... dirtiekittie

that's hilarious!! sounds like a funny joke between friends.. :)

Pinst... Pinstripes4

I want to make that guy my boyfriend.

the4m... the4mutts

Fffuuuunnnyyyy!

GlowW... GlowWorm889

What an awesome apology letter. I hope his roommate found it as funny as I did.  

starr... starreyedcutie

Nope no one has stole food from me :)

Shepard Lilley

Umm...it seems like a sarcastic letter that two good friends would find funny. I'm not sure why this constitutes an article, or people calling this guy crazy. He was probably just goofing off with his roomate.

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