almost pizzaYou guys, this Saturday Night Live parody commercial sent tears streaming down my face. It starts out like a DiGiorno pizza ad -- you know, it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno? Except this pizza isn't delivery, and it's not exactly pizza, either. It's Almost Pizza.

So what is "Almost Pizza"? WE NEVER FIND OUT. But whatever it is, it's super creepy. A slice accidentally gets flung down on the floor where it does some unspeakable things. Things no food should ever, ever do. Holy cannoli, just thinking about it makes me writhe. Have a look!

I am so with Bill Hader on this: What the f*ck?!? I love how Kristen Wiig pretends to eat a slice -- and how the upbeat commercial music just keeps going even while they argue over what the hell is that stuff? Meanwhile, the Almost Pizza just gets weirder and weirder! You know, kind of like practically everything else you'll find in the freezer aisle.

Because this is clearly all about how freaky processed food has gotten. I never thought I'd see a "real food" sketch on SNL, but here it is. Think of all the other "fakey" food products out there that can't legally be called what they're pretending to be. Things like ...

  • Miracle Whip: Almost mayonnaise
  • Cool Whip: Almost whipped cream
  • American Slices: Almost cheese
  • Bacos: Almost bacon bits
  • Non-Dairy Creamer Powder: Almost half-n-half
  • Log Cabin syrup: Almost maple syrup

I should probably stop there. I'm starting to picture little "cheeze" slices and bacon-flavored flakes dancing around the floor with the "Almost Pizza" slice. WHO WILL SAVE US FROM THE SCARY "ALMOST" FOODS? Shudder.

Do you harbor a secret love for any of these "fake" foods or is it real food all the way for you?

 

Image via Hulu