burger king wrapWell look at you, Burger King. Gettin' all fancy-like with your makeover! The Home of the Whopper has brought on 10 new menu items to signal to the world it's the freshhhhhest kid on the block. They've got mango smoothies, salads with real shaved Parmesan cheese, wraps with honey mustard. How you like me now, bitchez?

And look out for a new BK commercial starring David Yes! Underwear! Beckham. He'll be ordering a banana strawberry smoothie. In a leopard-print loincloth. Clothed. And then the food trucks will roll into town -- and I'm not joking about that one. They're doing food trucks. Can Cirque du Soleil acrobats be far behind?

It's almost enough to make you forget it's called BURGER King.

Oh yeah, right, burgers ... Okay, here's the plan for the Whopper with cheese: Instead of two thin slices of cheese, there will just be one thick slice. (OMG, will the thrills never end?) The lettuce and tomatoes will be hand-sliced right then and there. (No, I can't handle this radical change.) And they'll serve it in a cardboard box. (Pause now while I faint from sheer Whoppertude.)

Let's just forget for a moment that everyone else has been serving fruit smoothies for a while now. Will this work? Is this enough to lure you back to the warm, kingly embrace of the BK?

Because Burger King is scrambling to win back your love after Wendy's shot ahead of them this past year. There is no rest for the fast food wicked in this world! Evolve or die, that's how it goes. If BK really wants to zoom ahead, it should probably get even more radical: GREEN smoothies, my man, with cucumber and lemon. And grass-fed, organic beef burgers with real cheddar cheese. Introducing the new Whopper with kimchee! Now we're talking. I'd show up for that party. Oh, but good luck with the reinvention and everything, Burger King. I'm sure it'll help.

Are you curious about the new Burger King smoothies, salads, and wraps?

 

Image via USA Today