You'll have to give me a minute -- I've just gotten some devastating news. "The Love Boat" is being chopped into little bits and sold for scrap metal. Yes, that majestic, gleaming white Princess Cruises ship used in the ABC TV show -- which happened to be one of my all-time favorites -- is being broken up and sold for parts, dying the same kind of death stolen cars do. 

I have a lump in my throat. Those mean junkyard guys are taking away part of my childhood.

Seems the last owner was a dirtbag who reneged on a $7 million bill for removing asbestos and renovating the worn-out old fallen star of a boat. (Fame's a bitch. Look how much it's cost Joan Rivers). 

Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about how much I would give to own a piece of Love Boat scrap metal. Or 10. Or, hell, why don't I just buy all of it. Come to think of it, why not throw a party and make that the centerpiece? Kind of like an alternative Tupperware party -- a Love Boat scrap metal party! Yeah, that's it! I could single-handedly save the Love Boat and make sure it would wind up in the safe hands of die-hard fans!

Keep in mind that I was obsessed with that show back when I was, oh, 8, 10, something like that (are you doing the math?). I LOVED The Love Boat. I idolized Julie McCoy (little did I know she was a coke head in real life). I was charmed by Captain Stubing. I laughed at the silly antics of Isaac, Gopher, and Doc. I fantasized that one day I, too, would step aboard a cruise ship, set sail into the sunset, and fall head over heels for some dreamy guy. Ob.sessed. I'm surprised I'm only just now thinking of having a Love Boat bash.

Wax nostalgic with me for a moment, will you?

Yes, people, "love is life's sweetest reward." Sigh.

So back to the scrap metal party idea. Just think of all you could do with an actual shard of the Love Boat. The stuff would sell way easier than boring old Tupperware. Hmmm. Let's see ...

You could get it made into a heart-shaped charm. And wear it around your neck. And reminisce about all those cheesy fantastic episodes you spent hours watching as a kid.

You could frame it and call it wall art. What better use of a fragment of the Love Boat than as art, hanging above the mantle -- or (wink, wink) the TV? The Love Boat is art, my friends. See the symbolism?

You could use it as a plate. Who wouldn't want to eat a delicious meal off the actual Love Boat? It would give your love of (fill in favorite food here) a whole new meaning. Maybe even a whole new (metallic) taste. Yum?

You could do that car repair you've been putting off. Have a scratch or a dent from a parking job gone wrong? Just cover it up with a Love Boat patch of metal and voilà! Problem solved!

You could sleep with it under your pillow. Too weird? Hear me out. If you do that, you'll of course have luxurious dreams of fairy tale romances at sea, the kind where you giddily exchange bad one-liners with your beloved whilst the wind is whipping through your hair on the sun-drenched Promenade Deck. Either that, or you'll wake up with a really sore head.

This could be just the beginning of this zany plot to save the Love Boat before it winds up all mangled and twisted on the scrap heap (sniff). Are you on board?

Did you used to watch The Love Boat? What would you do with Love Boat scrap metal?

 

Image via YouTube/ABC