asparamancerMove over Punxsutawney Phil. (Yes, he saw his shadow. The end.) A tall, green stranger is stepping out of your shadow and moving into your spotlight. I'm not talking about the Jolly Green Giant. I'm talking about something far weirder. Behold, the fortune-telling asparagus!

No, wait -- meet Jemima Packington, the ASPARAMANCER. A woman who has romances with asparagus? Close -- a woman who tells the future using asparagus. As you do. Here's why she's got it all over that silly groundhog.

Jemima does so much more with her asparagi than the Inner Circle does with Phil. She doesn't just predict the weather -- she's also predicted the future about the royal family, politics, and sporting events. 

Totes amazeballs! No doubt at this point you are thinking to yourself, "Self, how do I become an asparamancer? This shall indeed be my path to riches!" Because now you're thinking in an English accent. Well, it's really quite simple. Just toss some asparagus stalks onto a white sheet spread on the ground. And then say, "Right, well ..." That's the magic incantation. Let your triangular-shaped glasses slip a little down your nose. And then make up any old sh*t that pops into your head. Make sure it kind of matches whatever shapes the asparagus stalks assume on the ground.

Oh, here's a little advice from the asparamancer herself: "When a spear breaks, it is the equivalent of the death card in Tarot readings. It is not necessarily a bad thing because it indicates a parting of ways." So maybe bend a few of those stalks ahead of time so you'll have something especially exciting to say. "Oh my, it's the death card of asparagus! This means big change, I tell thee."

Broken asparagus + celebrity couples = an exclusive with TMZ. Yay you! I see bright things in your future as an asparamancer. This asparamancy business is going to be HOT.

Is this the craziest thing you've ever seen done with asparagus?

 

Image via jonmillsswns/YouTube