8 Fast Food Stories Scarier Than 'Pink Slime'

fast food burgerGuess who's getting credit for getting the "pink slime" out of our fast food? (You know, that pink ammonia hydroxide beef product ...) If you ask the Daily Mail, it's Jamie Oliver. "Victory for Jamie Oliver in the U.S. as McDonald's is forced to stop using 'pink slime' in its burger recipe" their headline blares. NOT SO FAST, McDonald's counters. Todd Bacon (yes, really), McD's Senior Director of U.S. Quality Systems, says the decision to boot the pink goo "was not related to any particular event but rather to support our effort to align our global beef raw material standards." Which is PR speak for What? We planned this all along, srsly!

Regardless of who is responsible for pink slime slinking out the door of fast food history, its sad, squishy days are over. But are fast food restaurants really safer now? Ha! Hell no. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

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  1. I'll see your "pink slime" and raise you one Silly Putty ingredient in chicken nuggets. Apparently your nuggets may contain dimethylpolysiloxane, an anti-foaming agent also used in Silly Putty. Why would your nuggets need to be un-foamed? Um, I guess because foamy nuggets would be worse? (Shrug)
  2. Hi-ho, high calories! Last week we heard about the 966-calorie BK Smoked Bacon & Cheddar Double Angus burger, but check out Calorie Counter's 272 fast food items with over 1,000 calories. Supersized scary.
  3. Bugs and mice. You don't want to know. Well, maybe you do want to know? No. NO, DON'T LOOK! Oh, too late. Now you know. I'm sorry. Hey, at least they're a natural source of protein, right? Which is more than we can say for that dimethylpolysiloxane.
  4. The filthy playlands, with their E. coli fingerprints and other cooties. With all the bad publicity they got this year it's a wonder any of those icky playlands are left standing.
  5. Terrifying mascots. NO, DON'T SEND IN THE CLOWNS! And keep that creepy hipster Burger King guy away from me. And your talking oven mitt, and your Cheshire-Cat-like disembodied mouth, and especially the Noid. Yes, we definitely want to avoid the Noid.
  6. Some of the most insane crimes happen at fast food restaurants: shootings, selling babies, throwing hash browns, physical assaults. Fast food joints almost make Black Friday Walmart look downright civilized.
  7. Some of the lamest toys ever made come from fast food restaurants. As a parent, I'd like to collect them all and shoot them off to the moon.
  8. Killer soda fountain -- and no, I'm not talking about diabetes. One fountain's leaky gas line gave customers carbon dioxide poisoning, leading to the death of an 80-year-old woman. Freak accident? Well what about -- oh, yeah, actually, it was just a freak accident that has nothing intrinsically to do with fast food. Fair enough.

What do you think is the scariest thing about fast food?

 

Image via katerha/Flickr

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