New Girl Scout Cookie Is Another Crummy Flop

girl scout cookiesI'm about to write possibly the most controversial statement I've ever made here on The Stir. Are you ready for this? Hold onto your Bumpits. I can't even believe I dare admit this to you all, but here it goes: I hate Girl Scout cookies.

I know. It's like saying "I hate puppies" or "unicorns deserve to die." But it's true. Every year the Girl Scout cookies arrive and every year I suddenly feel completely out of sync with the rest of America. Now there's a new Girl Scout cookie on the market and I'm dumbfounded. This is your new cookie? A lemon-flavored, powdered sugar-coated biscuit? What's the appeal, everybody?!? Someone please explain because I just don't get it!


Are you all just faking your love for these cookies out of kindness to the Girl Scouts? Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a charade, like pretending Santa is real for the kids. Has everyone gotten together and agreed to MAKE BELIEVE you love Girl Scout cookies just to make them feel good? It's not like the Girl Scouts make these cookies themselves!

I think the cookies promise far more than they deliver. Thin mint cookies? Love the idea. Samoas? Brilliant notion -- you should make your own. But whenever I try real Girl Scout cookies, I can't help noticing that they're made with such cheap ingredients -- that waxy chocolate that coats the roof of your mouth with greasy, synthetic gunk, the card-boardy texture and flavor of the coconut. These cookies just don't live up to the hype.

Look, if I'm going to indulge in a high-calorie treat, it had better be f*&$%ing delicious. I'm not wasting my treat-points on third-rate crap, no matter how good the cause. I am literally surrounded by spectacularly scrumptious cookies, candies, and pastry options every day -- why would I pick something with fake lemon flavor? You can have your Savannah Smiles. I'm holding out for my husband's chocolate chip cookies.

Do you love Girl Scout cookies? Do you want to try the new flavor?


Image via _Yuki_K/Flickr

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