Thanksgiving TurkeyI'm having a hard time coming to terms with the notion that, yes, it's almost Thanksgiving and, yes, I'm going to be hosting the shebang this year. Inspired by the fun-filled Hoochgiving Friendsgiving on the past season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I decided to call a similar event at my house this weekend. Who doesn't love an excuse to splurge on a festive cocktail dress and eat their body weight in stuffing? OOOH OOOH, PICK ME!

For my Friendsgiving, everyone is coming with a contribution, but I'll make the basics. You know -- the stuffing, the green beans, and most importantly, the turkey. Let me tell you a little something, I've never done this myself before, and I'm frightened.

Now that the to-do list is made and the turkey coupons have been located, I'm starting to get a whole lot of anxiety. Thus I present you with the 15 fears I have as a first-time Thanksgiving host:

1. Buying the turkey: I've never bought one of these before. They say you're supposed to get one pound per person eating, but knowing my crew, I think that's a little much. Then again, I don't want to be stingy on the portions.

2. Putting my hand in there: You know what I'm talking about. For all I know, I'm gonna reach in there and pull out Tommy the Turkey's old pal Suzie Squirrel. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIAL!

3. Drying out the turkey: If I cook it too long, I'm screwed. What if I select some super special abnormal turkey that is perfectly cooked in under four hours when I think it needs six?! That would be my luck.

4. Carving the meat: Growing up, my dad would always break out our automatic carving knife for big occasions like this. A.) I don't have any idea how to work that thing and B.) I will definitely need protective eyewear before attempting to slice the first drumstick. Clearly, this whole turkey thing concerns me.

5. Burning myself: I'm clumsy. Cooking so many things at once means I am optimizing my chances for a kitchen mishap, I just know it.

6. Forgetting about something: Like I said, there's going to be a lot going on.

7. Timing everything just right: Something is going to take longer than expected.

8. I may fall asleep: I'm slightly narcoleptic. It's undiagnosed. I'll be awake way past my normal 9:30 p.m. bedtime, and adding in loads of food to the equation is totally going to make me extra tired. I can't be tired when I have a house full of 15 guests and dessert to tend to.

9. What if I'm too full to drink?: MUST. DRINK. WINE.

10. Roasting the chestnuts: Is there any way to tell when chestnuts are really done roasting over an open fire?

11. Having a place to put everything: So many dishes, so little room. Does the folding table from the basement even open anymore? Is it moldy? Are we going to have to sit on the family room floor in some sort of cockeyed prayer circle?

12. What if I start to look preggers?: At least my dress has an empire waist and a distracting, yet appropriate, orange leaf pattern.

13. Leftovers: Should I just tell everyone to bring Tupperware from the get-go? I don't have enough old Chinese food containers for everyone to take home their own doggie bag. God knows I don't need to eat 1,000-calorie meals every day for the next three weeks.

14. Room, room, room: If (when) my guests get drunk, where will I put them? Should I take my gazillion 20 percent off Bed Bath & Beyond coupons and snag an extra air mattress?

15. Can't we all just get along?: It's always interesting, gathering friends and relatives from different circles who have never met. Let's hope my old sorority sister gets along with my boyfriend's cousin who has a thing for zombie romantic comedies.

Are you hosting Thanksgiving this year? Do you have any tricks or tips?


Image via knm3290/Flickr