Ketchup Fountain Inventor Should Be Our Next President

ketchup fountainKetchup, friends. Ketchup. The word alone is enough to make my mouth water and my feet do a little happy dance. It's the elixir of the gods and finally, finally, someone has given it the respect, nay, the honor it deserves. Some creative, ketchup-loving genius out there made a ketchup fountain, and folks, it's just as amazing as it sounds.

The gorgeous red stuff flows over a cascading tower of round tiers with the beauty and grace of soft bay waves lazily lapping at the shore. It fills the room with a salty sweetness; a hint of ripe tomato and a dash of umami can be detected by the most discerning ketchup lovers. It's paradise.


It might be a paradise lost, though, because no one has yet come forth to claim credit for this magnificent machine. There's no information on how one can place an order, or how one would, say, be able to rent this for a birthday party one might be planning for oneself in December.

It's like we're so close, yet so far away from our dear ketchup fountain. All anyone wants to do is cozy up to its warmth with a bucket of fries, a basket of hot dogs (boiled, not grilled), a bevy of chicken nuggets, and a handful of string cheese. Haven't tried that? Oh. My. You're in for a treat.

I think our only request for this beautiful geyser of goodness is that it be filled with nothing other than Heinz original. None of that fancy balsamic vinaigrette ketchup, no imitation Hunt's, and for god's sake, none of that gross homemade stuff.

Though, until we find its creator, all this talk is for naught. So let the ketchup fountain inventor stand up! May she claim her title as President of the United States and may she lead us to a bright, imaginative, and cheerful future. For where there's ketchup, there's bliss.

Excited? Disgusted? Discuss.


Photo via SimplyWellFed

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