If you've ever squeezed a packet or three of Heinz Fancy Ketchup into your mouth just for yumminess, I know then that you're a really fan of the stuff like I am. Gosh darn it's good. I'd eat a sneaker and/or a live cat if it was covered in ketchup. It's sweet, it's salty, it's bitter, it's sour -- it's a complex combination of the world's best tomato flavors and I'll be damned if it isn't universally delicious. If you ask me, there isn't any room for improvement, but Heinz would disagree.
They're rolling out a new, fancy-pants brand of ketchup infused with balsamic vinegar that will be more expensive and more exclusive. I don't know who at Heinz thought this was a good concept, but clearly he or she was wearing bad idea jeans. It's going to suck.
Here's the thing. We've all been to restaurants where they serve homemade ketchup and it's the worst. And we've probably all tried those pretty, ornamental, organic ketchups from the "farmer's" display at the end of the aisle in our grocery stores and we've all been more than just a little disappointed with them. Why? Because nothing can measure up to Heinz ... not even Heinz.
So why are they even trying? If my whiny rant isn't enough, you'd think Malcolm Gladwell's essay on why there can only be one ketchup in the world would dissuade the people at Heinz to try to improve on the un-improvable. But no. They're trying. And it will fail.
But if you're curious, their special balsamic vinegar ketchup will be in stores in late December, or you can order it and have it shipped to you starting in mid-November. It'll be a limited edition and only available through March, at which point Heinz will either pull it for good or keep it in stores.
While it's gotten good reviews, I think I'll stick to the tried and true flavor that I've loved for my entire life. Great. Now I need some ketchup. Stat. To my face. ASAP. Ketchup. Must. Get. Ketchup.
Will you try the balsamic vinegar-infused Heinz ketchup?
Photo via Leonoid Mamchenkov/Flickr