Vegans Fail in Sad Attempt to Copy Meaty Fads

vegan butcher
Vegan BBQ? Ja ja ja!
There are plenty of delicious food trends to love this year: Popsicles, pie, one-dish restaurants. But some foodie fashions leave out a significant group of people: our beleaguered vegan friends. Yes, you may love your artisan butcher shop and your hot dog restaurant, but where does that leave Robin Quivers, Mike Tyson, and Alicia Silverstone? Why should carnivores have all the fun?

Vegans and vegetarians are taking this disturbing problem into their own hands. The results? Some of the kookiest enterprises I've ever heard of. But hey, I'm just a jerk with a rotisserie chicken addiction. Maybe these are good ideas.

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Know what men love? Steak and strippers. Yup, eating a big, juicy steak while watching nekked ladies. Robert's Steakhouse is bringing the testosterone-driven dream alive in Manhattan, but don't assume vegetarianism and political correctness always go hand-in-hand. Vegans like to objectify women, too, man! Introducing the world's first vegan stripper club -- in Portland, naturally. "I eat there for the seitan," says your boyfriend, who also reads Playboy "for the articles." 

Artisan butcher shops showcasing old-school butchery and pasture-raised meat are cropping up all over the country, from coast to coast. But maybe there are fancy things you can do with Quorn, too. Did you ever think about that? There's so much artistry waiting to be discovered within those soybeans. So they're rocking the fakey meat substitutes all over the Netherlands with this chain of vegan butcher shops. Um, no thanks. I'll stick with the "coffee shops" next time I'm in Amsterdam.

I thought raw chocolate was the saddest food trend I'd ever tasted -- until I found vegan raw chocolate. Sigh. It's for people who don't actually want their chocolate to taste good. File this idea with the carob trend of 1978. Extra points for chocolatiers who name their confections after a yoga pose or a made-up Aztec deity -- or cleverly disguise the chocolate box as an herb tea box

The Cheesecake Factory may be the most popular restaurant in the country, but it's missing one key dish: vegan Cheezecake by No Udder Desserts. I'm not a fan of the soy-based dairy substitutes, but I bet the calorie count for a slice of Cheezecake comes in well under the average 1,000-calorie Cheesecake Factory variety.

Better school food is happening people, little by little. And while we're improving things, who says kids need to eat (cheap, crappy) meat every single day at school? Vegetarian options are on the rise in cafeterias thanks to health-minded parents and Meatless Mondays. This is one veggie food trend I can definitely get behind!

Are you excited by any of these vegan food trends, or are they just plain weird?


Image via De Vegetarische Slager

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