There Is Not Enough Sex in 'The Chew'

the chewSo you take away a soap opera with a loyal following and replace it with ... a cooking-themed talk show called The Chew? Are you kidding me? Look, I love cooking like it's my best friend, but this show is not making anyone's pulse race. And there's one big reason why: It's not sexy.

At least, not with this cast. It's like ABC is doing some sort of demographic paint-by-numbers: someone old, someone new, someone black, and someone orange. Let's appeal to everyone! But that's not how you appeal to everyone. In fact, that's not how you appeal to anyone.

I really wish the ABC producers would have asked my opinion before casting this show because I would have given them some very valuable advice: If you're replacing a soap opera with a cooking show, be sure and bring sexy back.

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Here are my top 5 suggestions for improving The Chew:

1. Each cast member should be dying to sleep with at least one other cast member. In fact, they should all be hot for each other. Chemistry! We need real, salacious, obvious chemistry! As it is, the current cast is about the most neutered group of people I've ever seen on television. There's more chemistry on Sesame Street, for crying out loud.

2. Make them compete with each other. Isn't this the magic ingredient for 80 percent of the programming on the Food Network? There should be cooking contests. There should be rivalries. You should be making the audience pick sides.

3. Chocolate. Where is the chocolate? I know, I know, there's sort of a health-promoting agenda going on with The Chew, but chocolate IS healthy. It's loaded with antioxidants, remember? Chocolate. In every show. Do it. 

4. Incite food fights. Let's see the spaghetti fly! It starts when Mario criticizes Carla's knife skills, and next thing you know, people are throwing tomatoes and screaming at each other. Yeah! Now that's what a family looks like in the kitchen. (What, it's just me?)

5. Spice should be a running theme. There should be one cast member who keeps putting too many chilies and pepper in everything, making the rest of the cast members cry. There should be sriracha and salsa and kimchi on the table. Spice adds drama and raises the energy level.

ABC execs, I am offering this advice to you gratis. You really should have called me first, but it's fine. No hard feelings. There's still time for you to save the show if you'll just do what I say.

What do you think? Is The Chew off to a bland start?

 

Image via ABC

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