List of Nation's Most Caffeinated Cities Is a Crock

coffeeHey! Hey hey hey hey hey! How are you guys this morning?! Everyone feeling alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic? I know I am! Had my standard 64-ounce bucket of coffee for breakfast and I'm feeling raring to go! I added a few extra gallons of espresso to the mix this a.m. after I heard the news, though. Did you hear? Did you, did you hear guys? Chicago was just ranked the most caffeinated city in America. I know!! It makes no sense. So I'm doing my part here in New York to try and get this town into the number one spot on the list where it belongs. Because if there's one competition I hate losing, it's a who-drinks-the-most-coffee contest, and I'm not going down without a freakin fight.


The list was published in the Chicago Tribune (suspect!) and seems to rate cities' caffeination levels on the amount of Starbucks they have per every 10,000 residents. Who commissioned this study? Hmmm ... I wonder. No, I'm seriously wondering because I can't find out. But I would bet it's Starbucks. Anyway, here's what they think are the most caffeinated cities:

  1. Chicago (booo, hisss, as if!)
  2. New York (woo!)
  3. Seattle (I'll allow that)
  4. San Fransisco (people need fuel to get up those hills)
  5. Los Angeles (people need fuel to get over those hangovers)
  6. Washington, DC (people need to stay awake while sitting in traffic)
  7. San Jose, CA (because they program computers all night?)
  8. Portland, OR (because what else is there to drink besides beer and coffee)
  9. Miami (this one's a little surprising)
  10. Minneapolis (people need to keep warm)

Bogus list right? I mean if they're just counting Starbucks per capita to find the most caffeinated places, then the Charlotte, North Carolina airport should be on the list because I counted six Starbucks when I was there over Labor Day.

And if you're wondering if I would've thought this list was lame had NYC been at the top, that's a valid question. [Downs two cups of black coffee without taking a breath.] The answer is no. If NY is at the top of any list, it's a good list. I think that goes [grabs stranger's full cup of joe and takes a swig] without saying.

Because fact of the matter is, NYC is the most-caffeinated. I'm looking around the writers' room right now and everyone is main-lining coffee. It's not like we're addicted freaks [fills I.V. bag with cappuccino] or like we can't live without the stuff, it's just we're lively [experiences caffeine withdrawal for a second, bites off baby's head] people with a lot to do!

Up! It's almost time for my Venti Extra Caf, two-pump toffee-nut, one-pump vanilla, half non-fat, half soy, extra hot, no whip, no foam, extra caramel sauce, caramel macchiato!

Do you drink a lot of coffee? Does your town?


Photo via Ballistic Coffee Boy/Flickr

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