Burger King Kills Off Creepy Mascot to Attract More Moms

burger king bobble head
Buh-bye!
Remember that creepy, giant, bobble-head Burger King mascot created to appeal to hipster kids? At least, I think it was supposed to appeal to hipster kids. Hey kids, he's creepy, but in a totally ironic way! Yeah, like we're sort of making fun of how weird Ronald McDonald is, right? Get it?!?

Well anyway, ironically-creepy King Bobble Head is on his way out. Sorry hipster teens, it's all about health-minded moms now. The next campaign will tout how fresh the food is at Burger King. You heard me right, moms, Burger King is your new destination for FRESH FOOD.

Wait, why are you laughing?

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Oh Burger King, why are you making it so easy? I already mocked you this week for your gross-out fly infestation. You're following that up with the news that your brand is all about the freshness and quality of your food and you're trying to cater to moms? You're joking, right? Tell me you're joking because I'm starting to feel like that kid who grabs your hand and whacks you with it saying "Stop hitting yourself -- why are you hitting yourself?"

Sigh. Okay, I'll go there.

First up to bat in this loser's game is the California Whopper featuring a blob of guacamole. Dude, you're touching guac? The famous dip that requires the freshest avocados and starts turning brown within seconds? Here's how this is going to go down:

  1. Guacamole is made fresh by underpaid employees before opening hours & kept in the refrigerator under cling wrap, yet still manages to turn brown from all the flies living inside the refrigerator.
  2. Guacamole is made somewhere in the Burger King factory and filled with an array of toxic chemicals to keep it from turning brown -- not including lime juice, which would be too natural and expensive. Flies landing on it die instantly.
  3. Guacamole is made in individual batches by hand from scratch table-side (or car-side) by specially-trained guac-masters.

I'm betting on scenario #2. Maybe the addition of guacamole is actually a covert form of pest control.

Ah, King Bobble Head, if only you'd learned how to make guacamole.

 

Image via HellCat86/YouTube

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