Royal Wedding Cakes Make Me Glad I'm Not Going

Lindsay Mannering

royal wedding cake

You know, I'm starting to feel a little thankful that my invitation to the Royal Wedding was intercepted by Interpol and didn't make it to my mailbox in NYC. At first as I was all, not again! But now I'm grateful for the excuse to miss the big day for Will and Kate.

Why, you ask? Well. Have you seen what the cakes are going to be made of?

Thanks, but no thanks, Billy and Katie. I'd rather sit at home and eat a box of Entenmann's crumb cake and watch TV. OK, fair enough. That's what I call a Saturday night, but still. It's better than getting all gussied up, renting a private jet, and flying to London for the big day only to be extremely let down by the insults they're serving for the Royal Wedding cake.

Billy's got his heart set on a biscuit cake. Don't be fooled, it's not the delicious tower of Cracker Barrel country biscuits and strawberry jam you're picturing. It's a crumbly old chocolate cake made of cookies. It will contain 34 pounds of chocolate and 1,700 McVitie's Rich Tea biscuits. As far as I can tell, they look like the boring old butter cookies that come in a circular tin at Christmas from Aunt Clara that you would never eat because they look so bland, and would instead opt for the ones with the chocolate or the apricot center. Do reject cookies a Royal Wedding cake make? I don't think so.

Prince Billy's groom cake will feed 600 people who are interested in eating dry biscuits, and the official wedding cake that Katie ordered up will feed that many, plus some. Hope you didn't get your hopes up though, Katie's chosen a fruit cake for her big day. Nothing like six whole levels of sexy, sexy fruit cake to get the party started. It'll be hidden under cream icing and decorative flowers, but I don't think the facade will really fool anyone. We can smell the incomprehensible combination of sugar and raisins from a mile away.

Two words for Billy and Katie: Betty Crocker. Pour mix into bowl, add eggs, oil, and water, bake at 350, ice with chocolate frosting, and serve. You're welcome.

Two gross cakes mean two reasons I'm thankful I'm still wanted by the international police.

Does the biscuit cake or fruit cake sound good to you?

Photo via Rachel Tayse/Flickr

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