Everybody likes bacon, right? I mean, why else would there be chocolate-covered bacon, bacon-flavored ice cream, bacon vodka, Kevin Bacon? People are gaga over the fatty stuff, so I guess that's why Fargginay thought it was a good idea to come out with bacōn, a bacon-scented cologne.
That, my friends, is it for me. I am done with bacon. D-O-N-E. I don't know where this insane bacon agenda has come from, but people have taken a perfectly delicious food and ruined it. Bacon used to be a weekend morning treat, something you got excited about if Mom was including it in breakfast. Now, people are surprised if there's not bacon in every meal they eat.
Bacon, I think we need to take a break. You should go on a vacation, find yourself or something. You have become the Kim Kardashian of the meat world, and I don't think I can take it anymore.
It's not you, it's your handlers. I mean, obviously your PR people are doing a great job at getting you out there, but clearly they don't know the meaning of overexposure. I actually feel kind of bad for you. You were once the candy of salty meats, and now? Now you've just become this show monkey who's contributing towards your agents' retirement funds.
Don't get mad. I just need some time apart, time to collect my thoughts. It's all been too much lately, and the cologne was the last straw. Not to be mean, but have you any standards? I can understand your ubiquitous appearances in Michael Symon dishes, but cologne? Yikes.
What's that? You think this is because of sausage? Wow, you really don't know me, do you? Not only am I hurt, I'm insulted. Just because you saw us together two weeks ago in a quaint, little restaurant downtown, you assume we're together? Pftt, I don't even know you anymore. No, you know what? We are together! Ha! How do you like that? Sausage gets me. When we're together, he's with me. I don't see him at every other table in the restaurant yucking it up like he's running for office! Remember when you were like that?
Look, I'm sorry. I lost my cool. I'm just really emotional right now. Why don't we just go our separate ways for a bit, get our heads together, then see where we're at? I'm sorry. If we want this to ever work, it's for the best. Trust me.
What do you think of everything bacon?
Image via Lara604/Flickr
Do it yourself
Concierge service through your credit card