Many folks who write reviews of restaurants (and other establishments) on Yelp do so in a way that suggests they're more interested in convincing other readers that they themselves are pompous, crazy hacks than being helpful. You know who I'm talking about: Instead of trying to be resources for useful local information, these reviewers simply prefer to be a**holes.
Here are the top five ways to piss everyone off on Yelp.
1. Give a bad review to a restaurant that hasn't even opened yet. This happened recently in Chicago when a reviewer wrote the following:
My wife and I were downtown and had recently read a review of Graham Elliot Bowles new endever [sic], a sandwich shop. The Chicago magazine made it seem like an enteresting [sic] spot and Chef Bowles is a happening food personality, the only problem is the joint isn't open yet. It was a pleasant walk ruined ...
He gave it 1 out of 5 stars (allegedly for his inconvenience).
To recap: The restaurant wasn't open, and yet the reviewer was openly critiquing it. In response to this ridiculousness, a second reviewer posted:
I read about the place in The Chicago Magazine and it seemed like a very interesting place to eat. I drove way out of my way to get there and I was disappointed when I got there because it wasn't open yet. I was going to give it one star, but then I ran into Megan Fox who asked me to be her boyfriend. Then I found a winning lottery ticket just sitting on the sidewalk. On the way back to my car I saw a double rainbow and a unicorn. It turned out being a pretty good day!
2. Act like you are an official restaurant reviewer (and a pretentious one at that):
The beet salad was good, but I thought the creme fresh overpowered the other flavors. However, it had a lot of depth with the beets and the anchovies and the beans, and then there were these crunchies on top and they added great texture.
3. Use cliches whenever possible:
No matter what you eat make sure you save room for dessert!!!! Don't tell anyone, but I am pretty sure I have tried each and every one of their sinful desserts!
This place had been so heavily hyped that I was sure it couldn't meet expectations.
Wash it down with one of several ecelectic [sic] beers they have and their waffle fries.
4. Include each and every excruciating detail of your experience, no matter how boring:
We had a reservation for 9 on a Friday. My gf and I arrived promptly and were told our table was not ready yet. No problem, we grabbed a drink and waited. 20 minutes later, the hostess said our table was ready and started leading us to our table... but wait there were no empty tables. She apologizes and asks us to wait a bit more. Finally, we were seated around 9:30 by the bar. Unfortunately, a couple of dbags standing practically right over the table were being really loud for the first half of the meal... Not the most enjoyable atmosphere. On the plus side they comped us a drink (the drinks are very strong) and frites (yay more SALT!) to cover for the seating snafu.
5. Pretend you are writing a novel instead of a review. The following is just one of several paragraphs excerpted from a review of a ... wait for it ... coffee shop.
My latte was magical.... it held (foam) and the flavor of the espresso... I couldn't resist and went to purchase a half pound to pathetically attempt a repeat performance with my rudimentary know-how but passionate desire and ambition that would hopefully supplement all things lacking.
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