Oh Food Network, you are consistent, aren't you? The same handful of photogenic celebrity chefs, the same formulas, the same skyrocketing ratings.
But what if I could create my own food network -- one based on the eccentric and unpredictable?
Here's a start: my favorite three Food Network-Unfriendly cooking shows, plus a bonus.
First up, rapper Coolio is here to teach your ass how to cook! He keeps his spices in dime bags and shouts "Shaka-Zulu!" several times an episode.
Hazards: Not suitable for the office or for you kids. And can he really see what he's doing with those sunglasses on?
Highlights: The man loves his veggies and really cares about teaching people how to cook simply and healthfully. He also has a great eye for presentation. Check out his Caprese Salad, Spinach Even Kids Will Eat, and Stir-Fried Vegetables.
The Trailer Park Cooking Show With Jolene Sugarbaker
Jolene Sugarbaker, with her deep aqua eyeshadow, fab cocktail rings, and warm Southern accent, is here to teach us how to cook on a budget. Her show is sweet, campy fun -- obviously an affectionate tribute to an American tradition.
Hazards: Jolene has the worst knife skills I've ever seen, bless her heart. Her recipes rely more on processed long-shelf-life food than fresh food.
Highlights: Jolene respects a tight budget and loves time-tested, un-fancy recipes. She actually provides some helpful kitchen safety tips. Check out her Seafoam Lime Cantaloupe Pie, Bacon Artichoke Cheesy Casserole, and Microwave Cinnamon Walnut Brittle.
DEATH COOKBOOK Goth Cooking Show
This show is about a plastic inflatable kitchen god who tutors a goth girl on cooking Japanese food. At least I think that's the idea. Anyway, I wasn't ready to take this show seriously, but the recipes actually look tasty.
Hazards: Long, self-indulgent intros only Japanese goth anime fans will enjoy; also, terrifying hair extensions dangerously close to food.
Honorable mention goes to this Cooking Show FAIL bit:
Image via Death Cookbook.