Just when I was finally getting behind the idea of Slade Smiley marrying Gretchen Rossi, he had to go and give her the most outrageous birthday gift on tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I mean, really?

There they were high off a weekend away together in San Diego. They left the hotel, and the valet pulled around with every girl's dream -- a fancy new car with a huge pink bow tied around it. Not just any car either -- a Rolls-Royce.

Gretchen was stunned and in disbelief. "Are we all of a sudden rich, and I missed it?" she wondered. Nope -- that wasn't it.

Well who knew Real Housewife of Orange County Alexis Bellino was secretly a budding barista all this time? Alexis just revealed to Bravo, "I've always had a passion or dream to open up a coffee shop." It'll be "really sleek, chic", and there will be NO WAITING ever, because OC housewives have to get their foreheads done immeds, okay? It's all about community for Alexis. "I just think it's a really cool thing to be the first thing people wake up to every day."

Okay, so we've got the look, we've got the concept (you walk in and go, OMG, is that Alexis Bellino? Am I sleepwalking again? What a nightmare.). But ... what will Alexis serve? I mean, not will Alexis herself serve literally, I mean what will her people serve. WHAT'S ON THE MENU? That's what I want to know.

Pop quiz time, Teen Mom fans. Which teen parent racked up the most arrests of anyone on the show? Here's a hint: it's not Jenelle Evans. And since we're talking teen parents, you can't count Tyler Baltierra's dad Butch in there either.

Go ahead ... take your time.

With only a couple weeks to go before the premiere of The Bachelorette, it's pretty safe to assume that Desiree Hartsock has finally found her prince and is engaged and ready to live happily ever after and all that bullsh&* good stuff.

I mean, who wouldn't want to marry Des? She's cute. She's super sweet. And she's outdoorsy and fun and has all kinds of other desirable qualities that most dudes find appealing in a wife. 

Surely one of the 25 men on her season had to sweep her off her feet, right?

Maybe, maybe not.

*Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD*

Did you hear? LeAnn Rimes sent Brandi Glanville flowers for Mother's Day! Dawww ... Maybe we're on the brink of a reconCibriation between those two. It was the perfect gesture from LeAnn, following Brandi declaring a Twitter truce with her. Or, I don't know if I'd call it a truce so much as a detente. Anyway, Brandi said she was going to stop all the Twitter drama with LeAnn.

Except ... Brandi just couldn't take LeAnn's flower gesture at face value and be gracious about it. She tweeted, "I thanked @leannrimes on twitter4 my flowers. Our relationship is that we still dont even say hi at baseball. I dont have her number-thats it." Wow, the back-handed thank-you. Well played, Brandi. Well played. (Golf clap) LeAnn tweeted that Brandi never actually thanked her, not that that's why she sent the flowers -- and then she deleted that tweet. Anyway, here's how Brandi could have responded instead.

The semifinals results show tonight was also the 300th episode of Dancing With the Stars, so the stakes were high. Only four of the five couples made it through and into the finals next week. 

Results aside, it was more entertaining than most results shows. The AT&T Spotlight Performance showcased 10-year-old dancer Sophia Lucia who was as adorable as she was talented. Somebody better get that girl a contract ASAP. We also saw The Wanted perform their hit, "Fill a Heart," and Avril Lavigne belt out her new single, "Here’s to Never Growing Up." Of course, there was the elimination too (SPOILERS AHEAD).

My eyes, my eyes! You guys. For scientific purposes only, I watched Farrah Abraham's sex video just now, and as soon as I file this post, I'm washing out my eyeballs and maybe having a nice, stiff drink. Did I say stiff?!? NOOOO!

It's going to be a long time before I recover from this spectacle. But I watched it for you, dear readers. We know you're wondering what actually goes down (oh geez) in this show -- but you reeeeeeally don't want to have to actually sit down and watch in order to find out. Never fear! We've got Farrah Superstar Backdoor Teen Mom by the numbers right here. Now about that drink ...

Tonight we saw part 2 of the Teen Mom 2 finale special with Dr. Drew, and it couldn't have been more different from the first go-round. Gone was a still childish Jenelle and her tearful confessions about drug use. Instead we saw some real grownup moments from Leah Messer Calvert and Chelsea Houska, the two girls who got to sit on stage with the TV shrink.

Calvert's husband, Jeremy Calvert, and ex-husband, Corey Simms, even managed to sit side-by-side on an MTV couch and say nice things about each other. In fact, Jeremy, who wasn't around when his wife first started her Teen Mom journey (and who wasn't a teen parent), has somehow turned out to be one of the most inspiring stars of the series.