Everyone. The day you've been waiting for has finally arrived. No, not Thanksgiving or Black Friday or whatever else is going on this week. The British magazine Literary Review started giving out the "award" for Bad Sex in Fiction back in 1993. Yep, even before the hell that was Fifty Shades of Grey, this was actually a thing. On Tuesday, they unveiled the eight finalists, and believe it or not, these may actually be worse than our love-to-hate-it Fifty Shades.

The eight finalists are:

1. The Yips by Nicola Barker 2. The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge 3. Infrared by Nancy Huston 4. Rare Earth by Paul Mason 5. Noughties by Ben Masters 6. The Quiddity of Will Self by Sam Mills 7. The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine 8. Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe

But the best part of this whole ridiculous contest? The excerpts.

I have a suggestion for People magazine: the Sexiest Man Alive issue should be renamed to Hottest Man Alive. That seems a little more accurate, given the fact that it's really about the (Usually White) Man Whose Box Office Draw is Heating Up, and maybe we'd be less likely to say things like, Channing Tatum? Sexy, okay, but sexiest man alive? BRING US THE GOSLING AND BRING HIM NOW.

I don't dislike Channing Tatum, but he'd never be my personal pick for sexiest man. That said, as soon as I read about how he broke the news about the People honor to his wife, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, his Sexy Points increased for me by about 1,000.

It's almost enough to make me forgive him for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. ALMOST.

You have GOT to be kidding me. Channing Tatum is definitely NOT the Sexiest Man Alive. I mean, he's good looking and all and he's got the bod to earn such a distinguished and honorable title, but sexy is SO much more than just looks. This morning People announced that the 32-year-old Magic Mike star from Alabama joins the likes of Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, George Clooney, and Bradley Cooper in their elite group of sexiness. 

I've just gotta skip straight to my gut feelings here. WHAT ABOUT RYAN GOSLING?! I swear, the Goss got robbed of last year's title by Mr. Cooper and now -- an ex-stripper? OK, so maybe that's me being a little ... obsessive. To be fair, though, I think there are a whole SLEW of big names with MUCH more going for them that deserve such an honor.

Like Justin Timberlake, for starters.

The announcement isn't expected to be made until mid-November, but this morning, there are quite a few reports saying that Channing Tatum will be named People's Sexiest Man Alive 2012. (Man. That Jenna Dewan is one lucky woman.)

Whether you're a huge Channing Tatum fan or not is neither here nor there, because it's pretty hard to argue that he's one serious piece of eye candy who is more than deserving of People's highly coveted title.

And if the rumor is true and he does wind up in the top spot, then he just HAS to be cast as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie -- hands down.

Call her the "Sexiest Woman Alive" -- but don't call her conservative. In Esquire's interview with Mila Kunis, the actress doesn't hold back on her political views. She's fairly passionate about politics, in fact. She told the magazine:

The way that Republicans attack women is so offensive to me. And the way they talk about religion is offensive. I may not be a practicing Jew, but why we gotta talk about Jesus all the time? And it's baffling to me how a poor person in Georgia can say 'I'm a Republican.' Why?

Whoa, there's a lot going on there! The Republican war on women, the mix of church and state, poverty and politics. This is a far cry from the usual patter about favorite moisturizer and working on your "craft." If you think someone like Mila shouldn't be talking politics, think again.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em -- or if you're Playboy Enterprises, I guess you try and beat 'em no matter what. And now in what seems to be an effort to up the ante on their reputation for sophistication, the Playboy Wine Club has been introduced to fans of the magazine (and I guess wine lovers as well).

And the new Playboy Wine Club definitely aims to cater to the most (ahem) discerning tastes, as it offers wines not only individually, but in packages with appropriate names such as "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", "Variety Is the Spice of Life", and "Playboy Blind Date."

You know, in the past I've read interviews with Kristen Stewart in which she acknowledged her reputation for coming across as sneering or visibly uncomfortable during press events, and I came to the conclusion that her reluctant media personality was a charming rarity in Hollywood, and that her inability/unwillingness to play the PR game to her favor was … well, likable, sort of.

I think maybe I'm done thinking that, though. Mostly because she can't seem to stop talking about how incredibly hard it is to be famous, which she devotes a good portion of her new Vogue UK cover story to moaning about.

Helen Gurley Brown, former editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine, author of Sex and the Single Girl, icon, feminist, philanthropist, and original star of the real-life Sex in the City, died today at the age of 90. Gurley Brown was married to famous producer David Brown (think Jaws, Cocoon, Driving Miss Daisy, A Few Good Men) and though the couple had no children, Ms. Gurley Brown was mother to many.

She was constantly doling out advice to the young women who worked for her and even those who didn't -- I among them.