Fantastic news, Lindsay Lohan fans! (All … two of you!) According to wealthy businessman Hugh Hefner, who I'm sure is remarkably lucid and capable of tying his own robe and summoning a wrinkly boner with a little pharmaceutical assistance, the December/January issue of Playboy is not only breaking sales records—it's going to go down in history as the moment when Lindsay turned her entire life around.

While it may seem that Lindsay is up to her old tricks (lounging around partying in Hawaii with $10,000 in her purse, just in case an opportunity to purchase a massive rock of cocaine some souvenirs came up), according to Hef we're missing the big picture. The picture of her naked hooters, that is, which signifies her big career comeback.

Yep, she should be rocketing back to the top of her game any minute now. After all, if an 85-year-old lad-mag publisher said it, it must be true.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Bradley Cooper is NOT the Sexiest Man Alive. I'm sorry, but I totally disagree. I'll allow that he's attractive enough if viewed from the right angle and I'm able to banish some of his less-appealing roles from my brain (the first 20 minutes of Limitless, for instance, or every single episode of Alias ever), and he seems like an unusually smart cookie for Hollywood, but sexy? No.

Sexy can be about looks, but it's not purely about looks. Sexy has less to do with having photogenic features and more to do with the character that oozes from the screen. Sexy creates desire, sparks fantasies, and is the driving force behind the millions of NC-17 fanfiction stories posted on the Internet.

Sexy is also subjective, so it's true I may be in the minority when I say HELL NO, BRAD MUST GO. Still, I say People robbed at least three well-known actors by giving the Sexiest Man honor to Bradley Cooper.

If I were in charge of Lindsay Lohan's Playboy shoot, I would have posed her lying naked, bruised, and filthy on a pile of crack vials. It would have been hugely controversial and broken sales records for the men's magazine and I would have snottily informed everyone that it was an artistic criticism of her public persona and Lohan would have instantly been cast in a Tarantino film.

Instead, it appears Team Lohan has chosen to portray Lindsay as Marilyn Monroe in her upcoming Playboy spread, in an homage to Monroe's iconic 1949 nude pictorial. Because just like Marilyn, Lindsay is ... tragic and misunderstood? Or seemingly doomed to die at a young age?

Well, the important thing is that according to Hef himself, the photos are both fully nude—and "classy. Very classy."

Johnny Depp would like you to know he really, really doesn't enjoy photo shoots. In fact, the closest thing he can compare it to is rape. Well, sure, who hasn't—totally, when a camera is pointed at you it's just like—uh, okay, wait ... he's saying that deliberately posing for a photograph is like suffering a violent sexual assault?

Apparently so. In the November issue of Vanity Fair, Depp said photo shoots make him feel dumb, and added, “Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped ... It feels like a kind of weird—just weird."

If you're thinking that this comment angered RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, you'd be darn tootin'.

Here's a novel concept: a couple of makeup ads have been banned in Britain for being ... well, full of LYING LIES THAT LIE. Parent company L'Oreal is under fire for using "misleading" digital retouching in their ads for Lancôme and Maybelline foundation makeup. They're also using celebrities—Christy Turlington for Maybelline, and Julia Roberts for Lancôme—and it turns out that however pretty these stars appear in the ads, the original photographs look nothing like the airbrushed final result.

Duh, right? Maybe she's born with it ... maybe it's Maybelline? Maybe it's 12 hours of painstaking Photoshop work, more like.

Is there anything so heartwarming as a couple who embodies the very nature of true love? Oh, the fairy-tale passion of Jesse James and Kat Von D is enough to make a girl swoon.

The thing is, it's just so nice to know that Jesse James is happy. When he recently revealed the intimate details of how he told then-wife Sandra Bullock that he'd been cheating on her with a porn star, I know I can't be the only woman who wept a tear for the challenges he's had to face. After such a harrowing experience, would James ever find love again?

Thank god for Kat Von D, the angel who's come to save him. Get out your tissues and maybe even a box of chocolate, girls, and revel in the romance James shared with People magazine:

Esteemed lad-mag Maxim has announced its "Definitive List of the World's Most Beautiful Women," and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is at the very top of the list.

If that name isn't ringing a bell, you'll probably know her soon enough—she's the British 24-year-old Victoria's Secret model who plays Shia LaBeouf's new love interest in the newest installment of the Transformers series, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

Poor Megan Fox, slagging on the franchise that made her famous, then getting replaced by this brand-new hottie. Was there ever any doubt that Michael Bay could find an equally boner-inducing star?

Not only that, Fox has been downgraded to #17 on Maxim's list. Ouch.

Ah, it's that time of year again. The cherry trees are in bloom, the smell of spring is in the air, and People has carried out the staggering effort of combing through all seven continents in search of the world's most attractive human.

In 2011, it has been declared that Jennifer Lopez is the most beautiful person in the entire world.

As usual, the magazine based their choice on a number of meaningful factors, none of which have anything to do with the honoree's current popularity or association with a hit television show, shut up.

J.Lo is undeniably gorgeous, and she clearly works hard to keep up her good looks. The 41-year-old musician/movie star/singing competition judge tells People that her superhuman appearance requires a lot of effort: