It was yet another bad PR move by Lindsay Lohan to blow off her Ellen appearance this week, but good news for the rest of us who weren't that interested in hearing about Lohan's "tasteful" Marilyn-inspired hooter shots anyway: Ellen replaced LiLo with Paris Jackson. As in the sleek-haired, gorgeous-eyed, surprisingly well-adjusted daughter of Michael Jackson.

Paris is just 13 years old, but she appears mature and poised in the promos for the show, which airs Thursday. Poor Lindsay, when you compare her coked-out, aged-before-her-time appearance to fresh-faced Paris's, it's almost like the two of them represent opposite endpoints on the young celebrity continuum. Paris: head on her shoulders, world as her oyster—Lindsay: feebly hawking over-Photoshopped nudie pics to pay her legal fees.

You'll never guess what A-list actress Angelina Jolie has in common with reality star Phaedra Parks of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I'll give you a hint: It's NOT about housewifery, and it IS all about DEATH. I know, you're shocked, right? Angelina Jolie has morbid tendencies? Of course, dahhhling, this is the woman who used to wear a vial of her lover's blood around her neck! But what about the Atlanta Housewife? Well, turns out, both ladies are harboring a creepy desire to become morticians.

Yes, in the current season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, successful lawyer and new mom Phaedra Parks investigates a new family business as a funeral director. Then, on this week's 60 Minutes, Angelina Jolie revealed that if she hadn't become an actress, she was going to become a funeral director, too.

Say it ain't so, Biebs, say it ain't so! On Monday, a California woman named Mariah Yeater filed a paternity lawsuit against Justin Bieber, saying that he's the father of her 3-month-old son Trystan. That news alone was beyond frightening. However, today, Star magazine has an exclusive interview with Yeater and photos of Justin's alleged son. The 20-year-old woman claims she and the Biebs hooked up at a concert in October 2010, and now she's looking for child support.

Yeater's account of that night is very detailed and potentially life-altering for both Justin and his fans. The Biebs we all know is a nice guy. He's the gushy hopeless romantic we gawked over in his new "Mistletoe" video and the guy we welcomed into our homes last Christmas! He's NOT someone who would have unprotected sex in a dirty bathroom with a girl he just met! At least, I surely hope not.

Read on to see the actual photo of baby Trystan and hear what the baby's mother has to say about their rumored encounter:

There's nothing I love more than waking up with a cup of coffee and the Today show. Well, except waking up with the Today show when Justin Timberlake is a special guest. As much as I love me some Matt Lauer, JT is by far my absolute fave man in Hollywood. Yesterday Mr. *N'SYNC himself sat down with the anchor of the Today show to talk about his new flick, In Time. I was a giddy little school girl. 

And so, apparently, was Matt Lauer.

Susan Sarandon has NEVER been known for holding back. She's always seemed unapologetic about everything from her politics to her personal life. Now, she's at it again -- getting herself in hot water with words. At the Hamptons Film Festival this past weekend, the veteran actress called the current Pope Benedict XVI a "Nazi" ... twice. 

She was discussing having sent the pontiff a copy of Sister Helen Prejean's book, Dead Man Walking. And she clarified who exactly the recipient of the book was: "The last one [Pope John Paul II], not this Nazi one we have now." Apparently, when the interviewer expressed dismay at her description of the current pontiff, she repeated herself, and the audience chuckled (awkwardly?). Now, as you can imagine, the Catholic League is all up in arms about how "despicable" Sarandon is. But I think everyone needs to just simmah down for a minute.

The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger doesn't seem that sorry for the offensive comments that made her Public Enemy #1 on Twitter the other day. Although she recently apologized, she went on Joy Behar's HLN show yesterday and opened her nutty mouth AGAIN, while trying to defend her original statement: "In the gay world, there’s always going to be open [relationships] .... There is no curbing the gay man. I have tried to curb you people."

To Joy she said, "The gay man ... they whip it out at eye lock! They get involved, and then find out later whether or not they want a serious relationship." Oh jeeze. Patti, Patti, Patti. Obviously, she is just digging her grave even deeper, but the reality with this reality star is that she's a big mouth, control freak, yakmeister Gemini who is lacking a filter. But these personality dysfunctions, as you might call them, are her worst offense.

Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt star in Moneyball, a sports and math movie that opens on Friday that I can't wait to see. I'm serious! It looks really good, despite being about, well, sports and math. The chemistry between Brad and Jonah seems great from both the previews and press interviews -- these two lovable goofballs look like genuine, multimillionaire, famous friends who have a great time together. It's kind of the press that Brad needs right now after that Parade interview blew up in his face. And no, I'm not going to apologize for re-falling for Brad.

I mean, anyone who shrink-wraps Jonah's golf cart in pink Saran wrap and admits that he and his brood watch Jersey Shore has my heart, 100 percent.

The setting -- Jean Paul Gaultier's studio in Paris -- couldn't have been more perfect. The timing -- just before Born This Way was released in May -- was just right. World-famous Lady Gaga met with fashion legend Jean Paul Gaultier, and it was "J'adore!" at first sight. The designer interviewed Gaga on tonight's CW special, Gaga by Gaultier, and Little Monsters like me were totally pumped to tune in and spend a little over an hour with their Mother Monster and the famed designer. Sure, she's been interviewed so many times, but this would be different, right? In the hands of a fellow artiste (!), the "creature" would be "unleashed" and totally uninhibited by "the creator." Who knows what exciting secrets she might share?

That was the hope anyway.