So imagine you’re going for a breast cancer screening exam. A nerve-wracking time for any woman. You’ve got a stranger manhandling your boobies. You could find out some bad news. Probably the last thing you want is a porn star ogling the proceedings. But Charlie Sheen’s ex-porn star girlfriend, Bree Olson, is using her big (fake) boobs to draw attention to a free breast cancer screening bus, “Save Our Boobs,” sponsored by a porn site, PornHub.

I say good for her!

Here's somebody I don't like: Ashton Kutcher. Here's somebody I don't have a really strong opinion about but like her enough to worry about her hooking up with Ashton Kutcher: Mila Kunis. Alas, if the rumors are true (and aren't they always?), the alleged couple is re-living some weird fantasy from the first season of That 70's Show and frankly, that just grosses me out.

Kunis and Kutcher have been spotted out and about in L.A. grabbing sushi and furniture shopping (?), and supposedly they've been all about the slumber parties lately. Naturally Mila's rep is selling the "old friends" story, and I hope that's true ... for her sake.

Because Ashton Kutcher is one slimy fella.

Yesterday Brooke Mueller was formally charged with felony possession of Cocaine stemming from her arrest back in December. As you may remember, she got a little too wild at a Colorado nightclub, possibly got into a girl fight, and then the cops found some white powdery stuff ... to make matters worse she apparently had a little too much of the white stuff. So Brooke was also charged with the intent to distribute. Intent to distribute! Really? Can we get a collective: Oh, come on.

Charlie Sheen defended his ex immediately after her arrest. Admit it, you expected no less, right? Charlie is nothing, if not an stand up guy and eloquent speaker. And how could you argue with his reasoning when he told TMZ:

With the child support I give her ... she's gonna deal drugs? Never gonna happen."

Ha! What a guy.

Ever since Bachelor Ben Flajnik was cast off to sea in a dinghy after Ashley Hebert turned down his proposal on The Bachelorette last summer, we couldn't help but feel like he got cheated out of the whole love deal. He's sweet, he's good looking minus the fact that he needs a haircut, and well, he makes wine, which ups his desirability factor a bit, right?

We're only a few episodes into Ben's season of The Bachelor, and as much as fans want to root for him to find true love, he appears to be on track to wind up as yet another guy who fell for the wrong girl and got burned. Or at least that's his projected path if he doesn't figure out that front-runner Courtney Robertson is playing a game versus trying to find a husband. She wants a trophy at the end, alright. Too bad for Ben it's not him.

I don't want to jinx anything, but it sounds like Brooke Mueller finally made a good decision. According to her rep, the ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen has checked into a full-time, long-term rehab facility, deviating from her original plan of attempting outpatient rehab so she wouldn't have to leave her kids. She apparently changed her mind after much "reflection and consideration."

I wish Mueller the best, I really do. Who wouldn't be a bit of a train wreck after a marriage to Charlie Sheen? And with her two beautiful sons to motivate her, I see no reason why Mueller shouldn't be able to get well and earn her place in one of Hollywood's most exclusive groups: Celeb rehab success stories.

Can't think of any other members? That's probably because they've been sober for so long, you forgot they were ever messed up! Here are just a few ...

Dear Santa ...Forget hacking celebs' cellphones. For the real dirt, there's just one place to go: Santa's mailbag. Oh yeah. That's right. Because the rich and famous don't need Kris Kringle to bring them an Xbox or an iPad, they need him to fix their rich and famous problems. Scandals, addictions, affairs ... no mere mortal can make that kind of naughty go away with a wink of his eye and a twist of his head.

The way I see it, things would get pretty boring for old St. Nick if those letters postmarked "Hollywood" didn't show up every so often.

I mean, who knows if they even get TMZ in the North Pole?

Lucky for you, I happen to have a vertically challenged pal who works in a certain, rather chilly mailroom.

And he's a little less than jolly about not getting promoted to the toy-making floor this year, so he was willing to slip a few of Santa's juiciest celeb letters my way ...

I don't know about you, but whenever I want to be romantically inspired by a celebrity couple, I look no further than Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. After all, who could forget that magical Christmas Eve in 2009 when Sheen allegedly held a knife to Mueller's neck and whispered those three little words every woman dreams of hearing: "I'll kill you."

While they've had what you might call a tumultuous relationship both before and after their divorce, it seems the onetime lovebirds still have feelings for each other. Not only did Sheen reportedly post the $11,000 bail for the mother of his twin sons after she was arrested last week, he seems to be doing his best to prove her innocence.

Oh, it just lifts my heart to know that chivalry still exists. When a man is willing to publicly insult his ex-wife in order to imply she's far more likely to be buying cocaine than selling it—my god, this is the stuff love songs are made from, people. *Wipes tear*

Brooke Mueller's mugshotTurns out, Brooke Mueller, the ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen and mom to 2-year-old twins Max and Bob, doesn't need her bad boy ex-husband to find trouble. Or, as it looks right now, to find cocaine or a bar fight either. Yep, Mueller got herself arrested last night inside a Aspen nightclub called Escobar. She was allegedly popped for cocaine possession and assault of a woman in another nearby drinking hotspot.

It's been awhile since Charlie ditched his Goddesses and he and Brooke hooked up in August for that post-divorce getaway to Mexico that resembled a possible reconciliation. During that time Sheen said Mueller was "more sober and healthy" than he'd ever seen her. Unfortunately, with this latest arrest news, it doesn't look like her sober, healthy times lasted.