If anyone in Hollywood had an actual chance at helping Lindsay Lohan turn her life around, I would have guessed it would be her once Mean Girls mentor, Tina Fey or maybe co-star Amy Poehler. But Charlie Sheen?! No way! Still, maybe because they bonded on the set of Scary Movie 5, and then he attempted to helped her avoid a total nightmare with the IRS by lending her $100K, he thinks he's the man best suited for the job. And he can't stop yabbering about it to TMZ.

He recently told them, "I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. ... If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her." Oh, geeeeze, right?! It's no wonder LiLo just wishes he'd shut up -- which is probably the wisest reaction she could possibly have!

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen: A match made in ... heaven? Jail? Rehab? Vegas? As it turns out, none of those places. The two will be hooking up on the set of Sheen's hit sitcom, Anger Management -- or at least their "characters" will be: Sheen has apparently hired Lohan to star as herself/Sheen's therapy patient/love interest in an upcoming episode. Now that's what I call "must see TV!"

I'm being totally serious, by the way. Lots of people are wondering WHY Sheen would bother to cast LiLo on his not-exactly-suffering-for-ratings television show -- as an opportunity to pay off that $100 grand loan he contributed to her tax debt, perhaps? But the way I see it, there are only two possible reasons ...

I don't mean to sound harsh, but considering the past few years of Lindsay Lohan's life have been something of a ... struggle, both personally and professionally, maybe turning down a $550,000 gig on Dancing With the Stars wasn't the best decision to make right now. Oh, hadn't you heard? Yes, apparently DWTS was so keen on adding LiLo to next season's cast, they were willing to pay her over half a million dollars. This is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about here, just to clarify -- Lindsay Lohan, whose recent work includes indie film The Canyons (for which she was paid $100 per day) and a janitorial position at the Los Angeles morgue (for which she was paid the privilege of not being locked up in jail).

Of course, Lindsay Lohan, being a true thespian, says she'll never stoop to reality TV -- film is her passion. Hey, a girl's gotta have standards, right? But let's just entertain the possibility that LiLo doesn't end up getting hired for any big money movie roles anytime soon.

Forget Liz Taylor. The next time Lindsay Lohan stars in a made-for-TV movie about some famous person's life, it should be Call Me Madame: The Heidi Fleiss Story. Or at least that's what LiLo's always reliable dad Michael Lohan seemed to insinuate when he said his daughter was "getting paid to date rich men" (with Lindsay's mom Dina Lohan in the role of pimp). Classy as ever, dude. Of course almost immediately after he called his kid a hooker, he denied making the accusation, telling TMZ: "By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement ... EVER!"

No takesie-backsies, Mike! Too little, too late. Because by the time Papa Lohan started to backpedal, "sources" (again, always reliable) were already running around confirming and expanding on the rumor.

You know, for a while there it was sort of seeming like Charlie Sheen was becoming, well, not normal, exactly, but maybe not quite so DUH WINNING TIGER BLOOD BITCHIN' ROCK STAR FROM MARS I'M AN F-18 BRO ADONIS DNA. He donated $75K to help a 10-year-old girl who's battling cancer, and he gave Lindsay Lohan $100K for ... okay, probably for blow, but supposedly for her tax debt. Of course, he also attributed his ex-Two and a Half Men costar Angus T. Jones' public meltdown as an "emotional tsunami" caused by the show creator's "hive of oppression," but my point here is that lately, Charlie Sheen's behavior has been surprisingly uncontroversial.

Well, we can now set our Days Between Outrageous Charlie Sheen Moments clocks back to zero, because last Friday night in Cabo San Lucas, he was caught on video shouting a homophobic slur into the crowd. Even more obnoxious? His public "apology."

First Charlie Sheen wrote a big fat $100K check to Lindsay Lohan to help her avoid enraging Uncle Sam (though she was in so much trouble that it didn't seem to really help all that much in the end). Now, he's donated $75K to someone who could really use the help ... a 10-year-old named Jasmine who has been diagnosed with Childhood Rhabdomyosarcoma (CR), a form of cancer that occurs in the muscle tissue and requires over a year of pricey chemo and radiation therapy.

TMZ reports that the once totally-off-his-rocker actor learned about Jasmine through a completely benign conversation with a Hermosa Beach police officer, who is a colleague of the little girl's father. Apparently, Charlie told the officer, "No parent should have to watch their kid go through that," vowed to help, and then the next day wrote a check for $75K to the Hermosa Beach Police Association, which had started a fund in Jasmine's honor. But that's not all!

It's the American way to dream of being a celebrity. But if the whole hullabaloo over Charlie Sheen's ex-wife Brooke Mueller being rushed to the hospital is any indication, it's much easier wallowing in obscurity. The mother of Sheen's twin sons is busy today fighting allegations that she overdosed on drugs.

Mueller actually has a toxicology report that she's showing off to prove there were no drugs in her system yesterday, even though she was found unresponsive by her assistant. Can you imagine?

It's not often that I find myself in agreement with Charlie Sheen (although I still find the "warlock brain" thing somewhat fascinating). But if there's one thing Charlie Sheen knows (besides hookers, blow, tiger blood and WINNING!), it's Two and a Half Men. After all, he starred on the show for 8 years.

And if there's one other thing Sheen knows (besides porn stars, nosebleeds and jail), it's CRAZY. Ain't nobody know crazy like Charlie Sheen! So when Sheen spoke up about his ex-Men co-star Angus T. Jones' recent "don't watch my show it's filth" freakout, I listened. And what he said made a lot of sense. Really!