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    (This is the true story one of my previous Mother's Day written on that particular day as the events unfolded. Some names have been changed for no reason whatsoever.)Today, I'm officially the Queen. It's true, my children told me this when I awoke. By "awoke," I mean when they woke me at 8AM and said, "We let you sleep in Mommy, now wake up because you're the Queen today."

    I'm sure the Queen wakes up at 8AM on the days she sleeps in too.

    I'd like to note that, if the Queen is knee deep in pee, whining, and is constantly saying things like, "I will separate you two if I have to," and "Can someone extract this Lego from my foot?" than I am the Queen every day. I have a feeling she is not, but as I've been a Queen for 6 hours now, I thought I'd fill you in on what it's REALLY like.

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    It appears I have many many flaws. Flaws that my well-meaning children (a boy and a girl) have brought to my attention over the last 11 years. 

    For instance, I remember my daughter asking if a dark freckle on my back was a mole. I said, "It's not a mole, it's a beauty mark," to which she innocently replied, "Why would they call it a beauty mark, when it's so ugly?" I guess I never realized the beauty mark I once thought was kinda sexy was such an eyesore. Thank you, my child, for enlightening me. 

    Yes, one of the joys of parenthood is having your children point out your imperfections with brutal honesty. Some days your kids can unwittingly rival the meanest playground bully.   

    So children, I say thank you for being seen in public with me and for putting up with my numerous shortcomings, which you made me aware of when you uttered phrases like these:

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    You know how sometimes you say something to your child and you can't believe you actually said it? For instance last week I wrote about an incident in which I had to ask my son to stop smelling the cat. And there was another time at Foot Locker when my son, a toddler at the time, commented on how large a woman's boobs were -- as he grabbed and smushed them in his little hands. We were about 10 seconds from a full-on motor boat when I was forced to yell, "We don't grab people's boobies. So, Stop feeling up the nice lady."

    All parents have turned some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. I always wonder if it's the parents who've gone bat shit crazy for saying these things or the children who are the certifiable ones for making these phrases need to be said. 

    Here are some of the weirdest things I've had to say to my children plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans.

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    Meow! Martha Stewart's sharp claws came out just enough to serve as a reminder that she IS the absolute embodiment of a lifestyle brand -- and don't you dare forget it, Gwyneth Paltrow!

    The sometimes mean but totally bitchin' decorator, cook, and patron saint of all-things Christmas and cocktail parties recently questioned Gwyneth's domestic authenticity. She said that she's never enjoyed a meal at the actress's house or had a good hard look at her curtain treatments, but that she really hopes Gwyn is the real deal when it comes to caring about lifestyle topics. 

    Then Martha issued the ultimate just-remember-who's-boss line. 

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    It's no secret that Ian Somerhalder and his ex-girlfriend Nina Dobrev have managed to keep things more than civil since their breakup. If the end of their relationship had been god-awful, it would certainly make working together miserable. We need our Vampire Diaries stars putting on happy faces, m'kay?

    If recent events of this week are any indication, things are still amicable between the duo. In fact, they seem to be spending a lot of time together off-set as well as on. Now, with a big change in Ian's life, Nina is once again at his side. Could this mean a reunion is in the works?

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    I have to tell you guys something pretty scary, pretty anxiety inducing, pretty unbelievable ... my son just started middle school. When ... how did this happen? Everyone knows, middle school is a major turning point -- a time of self exploration, acclimating to the social mores of tween/teen culture, learning which hair products work best, and feeling like a total loser (whether you have tons of friends or none).

    It also reiterates the fact that they're no longer our babies. As terrifying as that is, I've actually been banned from writing about it. Seriously, after calling us moms of boys jealous shrews and exploring what to do when your tween actually pays attention to you, I've literally been given a writing restraining order -- imposed by mothers who can't stop sobbing and giggling ... while sobbing. Though I can no longer wax poetic, I can list the numerous indicators that your little boy has entered a big bad tweenhood. Here are 30 of them:

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    Lately, I've found myself asking my readers rhetorical parenting questions in a not so overt attempt to assuage guilt and make sure I'm not alone. Last week's guilt driven query was: Is it wrong for the "Tooth Fairy" to steal money from one kid to pay the other?

    PS: The answer according to my Facebook Fans is a resounding no. Whew. Though I fear that armed with this knowledge, I may be asking them next week if the same goes for paying the pizza delivery guy. Oh well.

    That said, I'm guessing there is a slew of questions every mom will ask herself at least once -- here are just a few...

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    I recently made a list of crazy things Gen Xers used growing up that are completely antiquated now. It reminded me of conversations I had with my relatives, when I was a child, where they told these fantastical tales about things my generation would never experience. Like, walking 20 miles to school ... in the snow ... uphill ... shoeless. Or running into gypsy bandits that lived in the woods near their house or even sitting around the radio to listen to your favorite shows.

    As crazy as all of that sounded (exaggeration and all), I'm pretty sure the things I grew up doing as a Gen Xer wouldn't sound much less abnormal to my own offspring. And so, I imagine these are the yarns I will spin as my kids grow up.

    "Well, youngin's, you think you've got it tough with your Facebook and your Google and your iParaphernalia? Why, in my day, we had to ..."

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    You guys may not know this about me, but I'm a Gen X Lifestyle Expert, which means part of my job entails nostalgically recalling all the fun things that came out from the '70s through the early '90s, and I do so with love and a mild obsession. Which is why I can't understand why all the totally awesome characters that were popular with my generation needed to be glittered, glammed, and slutified for my kids.

    Do you remember the innocence of Polly Pocket, how she just bent at her midsection? The chubby cheeks of a Rainbow Brite and her entourage? Of course you do, because that was what made them adorable and innocent like us.

    They didn't look like they were on their way to go clubbing with Ke$ha. They didn't have curves and they certainly didn't don body-hugging unitards that Madonna would call too racy for an awards show.

    Now, they come with cocktails and cellphones, though it looks like some of them should come with an IUD ... or at least a morning-after pill.

    Here's proof:

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    Let's play the celebrity version of Guess the Polar Opposites! Ready? Okay, one is a new-age-y guru with dedicated to helping the less fortunate (meaning everyone) attain her level of non-dairy, gluten-free enlightenment; the other is a fallen starlet with a talent for tying up traffic who could wallpaper a bedroom with her personal collection of mugshots. Any guesses? If you picked Gwyneth Paltrow as celeb #1 and Lindsay Lohan as celeb #2, you win! (Nothing, but whatever.)

    The point is: LiLo and Gwynnie are two great tastes that taste nothing like each other, right? Except it looks like pretty soon these ladies will have lots in common. If by "lots" you mean ONE thing ... and I do! See, Lindsay Lohan (potentially) has a post-rehab gig lined up: Blogging about her recovery! And eventually having her own website featuring her "musings on art, fashion, music, and movies." Are you getting this? LiLo is getting her very own GOOP!!!

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