After the insane climax of "The Lion and the Rose," in which a main character met an untimely yet awesome end, it has seemed impossible that Game of Thrones season 4 could possibly keep up the momentum with "Breaker of Chains." We're only three episodes in and it already seems like so damn much has happened.
A poor young girl's already gotten eaten by dogs for Pete's sake.
Of course, after such an incredible finale to the Purple Wedding, all of the characters who attended -- and there were a lot of them -- had to deal with the fallout. Will whoever actually did it pay for their crime? Who is left to fight for the Iron Throne in this always increasingly deadly game? Has anyone learned to stop playing "The Rains of Castamere" at weddings yet?
SPOILERS AHEAD for "Breaker of Chains." Please watch first, have a Tyrion-sized glass of wine, grab your closest wench, then come back!
Right after the Purple Wedding, Dontos and Sansa are on the run. That whole "come with me if you want to live" line was actually true, as Sansa likely would have been implicated in Joffrey's murder as well, and she escapes King's Landing by boat. Who awaits Sansa in an eerie, ghost-like ship floating desolately in the fog? None other than ...
And instead of getting paid for his services, "drunk fool" Dontos gets an arrow in the face and chest.
So as opposed to the hairpiece, like in A Storm of Swords, Petyr reveals that he had the necklace made, which is what seems to have had the poison that killed King Joffrey. If you recall, Dontos gave her that necklace in the season 4 premiere, and Lady Olenna fiddled with it during the wedding -- watch carefully and you will see that one of the blue jewels disappears.
As the fallout of the Purple Wedding continues, Tommen Baratheon, his mother Cersei, and his grandfather Tywin pay a visit to Joffrey's corpse. Tywin tries to tutor Tommen while Joffrey's barely even cold. Tywin is probably thrilled that he can mold young, impressionable Tommen instead of petulant, bratty King Joffrey. (Still, is it sad that I'm going to miss Joffrey?) (And OMG can you imagine having the sex talk with Lord Tywin?)
Tywin's oh-so-grandfatherly lesson? Listen to me, or you will die.
Now next is a scene book readers were most likely nervously anticipating. In A Storm of Swords, Jaime doesn't get back to King's Landing until after Joffrey's death. In the HBO version, it was nice to see Jaime interact with so many characters at the wedding. But in the aftermath, in both versions, Jaime and Cersei proceed to get it on right in front of their son's body, practically almost knocking it over in their quest to slake their lust -- though in the TV version, Jaime practically forces himself on Cersei. "It's not right," Cersei exclaims, while Jaime grunts, "I don't care" over and over again. Sounds about right. How crazy and messed up is this family. That was disgusting.
In a more innocent yet still dysfunctional relationship, Arya and the Hound are taken in by a kindly farmer and his daughter. The Hound is even given a job offer after rudely slurping down his rabbit stew (the Hound and his food sure have been getting some pretty awesome moments in season 4).
"Fair wages for fair work," the Hound promises -- then the next morning attacks the man and steals his silver. "You're the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms," Arya exclaims, while the Hound gives her a brutal lesson in teaching her how the way things are, especially in light of her family's fate. Still, even if the Hound is "the worst shit," you can't help but root for the two of them.
Samwell frets over Gilly's safety and takes her to a nearby village away from the horny men of the Night's Watch. Brilliant Sam takes her to ... a whorehouse. Things don't seem to be much better there, and we get our first look at some boobs of the episode. Time to take a shot! Still, this has got to be the least compelling storyline of the episode.
Time for more shots -- Ellaria Sand and Oberyn Martell are engaged an orgy with two women and another man. They are awkwardly interrupted by Tywin, but honestly no one seems too fazed by any of this. My goodness, we also get a full-frontal male nudity shot, and your liquor bottles should pretty much be empty by now.
Martell blames the rape and death of his sister on Tywin, who he believes ordered the Mountain to carry out the deed. Tywin says he can arrange a meeting between the two of them, but he wants Martell to be one of the three judges, along with him and Mace Tyrell, at Tyrion's trial and offers him a place on the king's council. Tywin is smart enough to know that he needs Dorne (of which Martell is the prince) eventually to resist Daenerys and her dragons.
Then poor young Podrick visits a dirty, smelly Tyrion in his cell. He lets Tyrion know who the three judges are and tells him that Sansa has escaped. Tyrion's list of allies grows thin, and his last chance seems to be his brother Jaime. They also say a heartbreaking farewell, as Tyrion couldn't stand to see Podrick executed on his behalf. "There has never lived a more loyal squire," Tyrion says, both of their eyes brimming with tears. Awwwwwww.
We finally get some bloody action when the wildings attack a local village. A poor young boy is told by Styr that his parents will be eaten (lovely) and is sent to Castle Black to warn the Night's Watch. Jon Snow is asked for his opinion and it's decided that the Wall must be defended. It's looking bleak for the members of the Night's Watch, and you know it's going to be an awesome battle to come if the wildings take on the Wall.
In what looked to be another impending blood bath, Daenerys and her Unsullied army march upon Meereen, the last great slave city in Slaver's Bay. They send out their champion who taunts Daenerys and her army by peeing in front of them (why not?). After going through pretty much her entire roster, it's decided that Daario will be Dany's champion.
Daario stands there like a badass while Meereen's champion comes charging at him on a horse. He throws a dagger square in the horse's face, then kills the champion in one blow, giving Dany one hell of a lady boner.
And Dany is still the best foreign-language speech giver I've ever seen on TV. She is able to cause unrest among Meereen's people with one impassioned plea. Finally, catapults are brought forward, and the attack begins! Though all she throws at them are collars and chains in one last attempt to take the city peacefully. Will she be able to pull it off? Looks like we'll find out next week!
What was your favorite moment of "Breaker of Chains"? Tyrion breaking up with Podrick? Tywin schooling his grandson? Daenerys taking a stand?
Image via HBO