If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be harangued by Lindsay Lohan for half an hour, you need only have tuned into tonight's episode of Lindsay for the full experience. Whether it's her hapless assistant, Matt Harrell, or the series' director, Amy Rice, or the show's producer, Craig Piligian, Lindsay had something to say to them -- and it wasn't anything nice. When Lindsay's not bitching that her closets aren't color-coordinated, or she doesn't have keys to her own apartment, or this person or that person is "tricking" her into something she didn't "sign on for," then she's -- well, that's all she's doing.
But could this be camera trickery? To hear Linsday tell it to her life coach, AJ Johnson, that's exactly what's happening. "One side wants drama and one side wants something real and that's the Oprah side," she says. "In the end, I'm going to end up looking like the person who's not accountable ... the one who hasn't changed. I will never do something like this again."
Granted, she may have a point. Perhaps the cameras aren't around when Lindsay is meditating quietly in her bedroom or washing the feet of lepers -- or those moments are left on the cutting room floor. Or she wouldn't let the crew in to film them.
Either way, it's time to call in the big guns ... dah-dah-dah! Oprah!
Riding to meet Lindsay and her mom, Oprah makes it clear that if Lindsay doesn't start cooperating, she's willing to pull the plug on the series. "Maybe she doesn't know what she wants," Oprah opines to OWN's president. "If you don't know what you want, you end up in confusion and chaos. I'm not interested in putting on something half-assed."
Oprah is probably waking up to the fact that she bit off more than she could chew with Lindsay.
Sitting down with Linds for a tete-a-tete in her mother's gorgeous house (which I kept wondering if LiLo was paying for), Oprah gets straight to it. What the hell is wrong with Lindsay??
Linds explains that she's just not accustomed to cameras on her all of the time, leaving her no room for privacy -- that she can't even go to an AA meeting without paparazzi catching her, thanks to the OWN cameras that tip them off to her whereabouts.
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When Oprah lays down the law -- in her firm and direct but compassionate manner -- you can see what Lindsay needs in her life. In fact, I need Oprah. Oprah, come talk to me!
When O asks Lindsay if she's been sober, she insists she has been. "Wow," Oprah says. "Let's celebrate that!" No, no, not that kind of celebrate, silly people.
Lindsay finally agrees that she will stop being such a diva and let the filming get done -- but I think by now we all know that's probably a pipe dream.
"You need to cut the bullshit," Oprah warns her. "You really do."
"Okay," Lindsay says, looking slightly terrified.
Screw a sober coach, everyone needs an Oprah following them around!
Do you think Lindsay will shape up?
Image via OWN