I've spent a LOT of time thinking about what Jennifer Lawrence would taste like if she were ground up into a cured sausage (who hasn't?), and I'm absolutely blown away that BiteLabs -- a company using meat that has been lab-grown from celebrity tissue samples to make artisanal salamis -- shares my vision, down to the base mixture of rabbit and pork. BiteLabs goes on to describe the flavor profile in mouthwatering detail: "The JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger."
If you've seen the movie Antiviral, you knew it was only a matter of time until delicious meat was grown from the cells of celebrities. Thanks to the innovative team at BiteLabs who curate sausage blends from biopsied myoblast cells, the future is here -- and it tastes like James Franco, Kanye West, Ellen DeGeneres, or any other celebrity you might want to devour.
What will Kanye salami -- which I can only assume will eventually be named Kanye Wurst -- taste like? Why, it sounds spectacular:
Kanye Salami will pull no punches: heavy, and boldly flavored, pure Kanye West meat will blend with rich, coarse-ground pork. Hungarian paprika and worcestershire give Kanye an underlying smokiness, spiced up with hints of jalapeno. The Kanye Salami is best paired with strong straight bourbon.
James Franco's salami is equally appealing:
The Franco salami must be smoky, sexy, and smooth. Franco's meat will pair with lean, strong venison. Sharp Tellicherry peppercorns and caramelized onions provide Franco's underlying flavors, complemented by a charming hint of lavender. The Franco salami’s taste will be arrogant, distinctive, and completely undeniable.
Perhaps you're wondering how such a magnificent thing as celebrity salami could be possible? BiteLabs starts by obtaining myosatellite cells from celebrities via biopsy, which are then multiplied in a growth medium to develop into lab-grown muscle. Once fully matured, the muscle pieces are combined, ground to the desired consistency, and mixed with spices, fats, and oils.
It's almost too thrilling to contemplate, and the only fly in the tasty meaty grease-smeared ointment is that BiteLabs doesn't seem completely ready to bring their delectable treats to market yet. According to "Martin the CEO":
Making celebrity meat a reality will all depend on our ability to generate public enthusiasm. (...) Our primary goal right now is to create a public dialogue around the potential for commercially available lab-grown meat.
Some naysayers may theorize that BiteLabs.com is a prank being carried out by one or more particularly devoted individuals who probably need a job or a hobby or something, but as for me, I choose to live in a world where all things are possible ... including the opportunity to literally consume Ellen DeGeneres. Accompanied by, and I quote, black pepper and garlic with a playful kick of mustard.
Okay FINE, BiteLabs is clearly not real, but do you think celebrity meat will eventually be a thing? Frankfurtly, I kind of do.
Image via BiteLabs