As this season's Bachelor winds down, it's time for some serious reflection. What did we all learn? Maybe that "ess okay" is an inadequate response to almost anything that comes out of a woman's mouth. But for a more thorough analysis, let's listen to "wild child' contestant Lucy Aragon, known for getting the ax early on because of her frequent nudity. Aragon wrote a song about Juan Pablo called "Ess Okay," and in case you couldn't already tell by the title, it's not exactly flattering. But it's written in good humor, so no matter how you feel about JP, you'll find yourself giggling at least a couple times as you hear Lucy sing it. In the nude, of course. Here's the lyrics.
Juan Pablo, you kicked us off from your show
We’re doing so fine, we’re drinking red wine all night
Hey JP I got a song for you,
I hope you no it’s for fun no hard feelings, it’s true
You make bomb-ass breakfasts and you’re and awesome Dad
But you messed with my girls and you made me mad
You may be the first Bachelor Latino
But all of America thinks you’re totally mean-o!
Maybe not all of America. We know JP still has his defenders. But of the entire Stir staff, only one of us still likes him. The rest of us agree he is totally mean-o, among other things ...
Drew, Zak, and Robert you’re my boys and I love ya
You shoulda been The Bachelor cuz we all wanna f—k ya
I’m not sad we went our separate ways
Night #1 it was Lauren, she was a crying mess
You kicked Kiley to the curb in her awful pink dress
You sent Christie home because she was way too pretty
Every man in America was like “damn that’s a pity”
I know, right? Passing up on a woman because she's too pretty? What was that about?
You sent my ass home cause I was always nude
You ain’t ready for this jelly cause you’re kinda a prude
I guess now would be a good time for me to post my Madonna-whore complex theory. I think Juan Pablo puts all women in one of two different categories: Slutty vs. maternal goddess. He's turned on by hot women, and he can't help chasing some tail if he knows he can get it (ahem, Clare). But then he's also drawn to women who are way out of his league (Sharleen). He'll never respect women like Clare. And Lucy? Well, she's just too easy.
She danced better than you, so you sent home Kat
Cause she was showing you up, and you aren’t down with that
Renee and Cassandra were so special to you
But you forgot Trey’s name and now they think you’re a douche
You sent Kelly packin’ cause she had funny things to say
And you probably didn’t like it that her Papi was gay
D'oh! Juan Pablo's homophobia was a major turn-off for many of us. Not cool.
You sent Chelsie packin’ cause she just wasn’t ready
Maybe the truth is she dumped you for Eddie The Teddy
You sent Victoria home, a stradler willing and able
And she could probably drink you under the table
Again, can't be too easy or Juan Pablo will be bored.
Sharleen bailed on her own because she was too good for you
And the panda dodged a bullet cause the kissing was ewe
Right? Did these two even have a hint of chemistry? Every time they kissed, it was like they were studying for an exam on kissing. I expected Sharleen to pull out a notebook and say, "Okay, so when you turned your head 40 degrees to the side, that seemed to work only 20 percent better for me, so next time, let's try a little less of a tilt, okay?" But more than that, Sharleen deserves way better. I mean, all these ladies probably do. But I see Sharleen with an older, much more sophisticated man.
Ally, Danni, Lauren didn’t get a chance
And that’s a god damn shame because I’ve seen them with no pants
Andi’s a badass and what we thought all along
And no it’s not okay, the way you treated us was wrong
She left on her own and it’s all for the best
She probably didn’t wanna take a Florida bar test
That was my first impression of Andi, too. I cheered when she bailed on him, even though it was pretty clear she wasn't really one of his top choices. I hope she's the next Bachelorette.
Now you’re down to two and I wish you the best of luck
Cause they’re really pretty girls and you know he’s tryna f—k
I love you Clare and Nikki, won’t say anything bad
But one of you is about to be really freaking mad
That's gracious of her.
Clare is so cute and a lot of fun in the water
But I think he prefers Nikki cause she met his daughter
Hmm, yeah. I think he's stringing Clare around because he thinks she's hot. But Nikki is more of the complete package, in his shallow mind. She's a pediatric nurse! She loves children! She's blonde! She's perfect! How long after the show before they break up, I wonder?
The words in this song aren’t meant to sound bitter
But they’re funny as s—t, I think I’ll post them on Twitter
I love the chorus, "Everything's gonna be okay." She's right, actually. Thanks for posting, Lucy! (But next time HOLD THE DAMN PHONE SIDEWAYS.) I think the lyrics are funny as s--t, too. And no, I don't think this song is bitter, either. I think Lucy has the best attitude, because clearly she didn't take this thing too seriously from the beginning.
What do you think of Lucy Aragon's song?
Image via Lucinda Aragon/YouTube