You guys, the worst thing ever just happened. Alec Baldwin says he's quitting public life! Oh Mah Gah, he's quitting us? That's going to leave a gaping hole in my life -- all our lives! A hole the size of a proton, that is. Dear readers, I strapped on my hip waders and slogged through Baldwin's novel-length letter in New York Magazine titled "Goodbye, Public Life." I am now partially lobotomized. With my last functioning brain cells I will report on this important cultural moment, and the feels it made me feel. But first, I need to take something for this headache.
And so it begins, with: "I flew to Hawaii recently to shoot a film, fresh on the heels of being labeled a homophobic bigot by Andrew Sullivan, Anderson Cooper, and others in the Gay Department of Justice." Haha, good one, Baldwin! Gay Department of Justice ... heh, that's super offensive. But it's funny. I have mixed feelings already.
... Bla bla bla, invasion of privacy, tabloids, everyone taking his picutre wherever he goes, bla bla bla ...
Hold on! Balwin says, "I'm self-aware enough to know that I am to blame for some of this." Could he really be taking some responsibility for his death by tabloids?
Ha! No. He continues: "But -- I'm sorry, I can't let go of this -- do people really, really believe that, when I shouted at that guy, I called him a 'faggot' on-camera?" And just like that, a moment of self-reflection is over.
From there, Baldwin tells us all about working with Shia LaBeouf. I'm confused. What is this letter about again?
And then he segues into his MSNBC talk show, which was supposed to be like his NPR-affiliate radio show. Like that was ever going to work.
16 paragraphs later, the saga of the MSNBC talk show continues with "Once they fired me..." There are many, many details. So many details.
"Now I loathe and despise the media in a way I did not think possible." Noooooo. Do tell.
That moment when your eyeballs start drying out and you wonder how much longer this letter can go, so you scroll down and realize you are ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAMN LETTER MY GOD WHERE DOES ALEC BALDWIN FIND THE TIME TO WRITE SUCH LONG LETTERS?!?
"Am I bitter about some of the things that have happened to me in the past year?" Dear Alec Baldwin: This is not a question that anyone is asking you right now.
S.O.S. Still reading Baldwin's letter. Drowning in verbiage. Send life preserver and single-malt scotch. S.O.S.
"It’s good-bye to public life ... " I think we're done! We're done, right? This is the part where you announce that you're fading from our view, forever, right?
" ... in the way that you try to communicate with an audience playfully like we’re friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for." Wait. So he's not becoming a recluse? Is this Baldwin's way of saying he's moving to a gated community in LA and refusing to do any more talk shows? Because here's how you do that: You just move to a gated community in LA and say no to all talk shows.
And that is how I feel after I've read Alec Baldwin's long letter about how he's quitting public life only to find out he's probably not really quitting public life.
Do you think Alec Baldwin is really leaving public life?
Image via Pacific Coast News