Everyone, please meet Hugo. Hugo, please meet everyone else. Hugo, though you might not have heard of him, has been the male lead of every single movie inspired by the tragi-spiritual-romantic-dramas by latter-day Shakespeare, Mr. Nicholas Sparks.
Wait, you say. That's not possible. The Notebook is one of my favorite movies to eat cake and wail to and I know he is not in it -- Ryan Gosling is the star! Ah, yes, this is true. I didn't say Hugo starred in The Notebook. I said he was the star of EVERY Nicholas Sparks movie. IT IS A RIDDLE OF SORTS. You give up?
"Hugo" (for so have I named him) is a composite, combining photos of every single actor who's played the romantic lead in a Nic Sparks joint. There's some Gosling in there, to be sure. There's also some Shane West, a hint of Kevin Costner, a dash of Channing Tatum, and a soupçon of Richard Gere, to name a few. In other words, the Internet has presented us with the greatest actor of our time. Move over, Tom Arnold.
Blinded by his majesty, Hugo definitely deserves a soppy, sweet, tear-jerking flick of his own to star in. He's certainly got the looks and there's a strong possibility that he's also got the acting chops necessary. Though admittedly, the addition of Costner makes me wary.
That said, ever the optimist, I have penned a brief summary of a film that would be a great vehicle for Hugo, the greatest and prettiest leading man of our age. Hugo, should you become sentient and decide to pursue an acting career, please consider the following:
Teddy Rohan is a troubled medical student with perpetual stubble, a rude-but-hot girlfriend, and bad attitude. Teddy wants to be a surgeon like his emotionally distant and alcohol-dependent father. But ... does he REALLY? Everything changes for Teddy for he meets a young barista from Sweden name Blerga Hanblerga.
Blerga loves two things: Coffee and being a free spirit. In spite of himself, Teddy finds himself falling for the spunky Swede who shakes up his life AND his drink order. "Tall two-pump vanilla latte ... with cinnamon!" Teddy is captivated. Also Blerga is very religious. She woos him at church where they all handle snakes.
Teddy's got to make a choice, dump his hot-but-rude girlfriend, give up medical school, and pursue his true dream of becoming a nude ice skater in spite of what his father thinks ... or lose Blerga forever!
In a tragic twist, Blerga falls down some stairs during Teddy's big nude skating competition and requires immediate surgery, which Teddy cannot perform because he did not finish medical school. He performs nude CPR in vain. Blerga's ghost watches over Teddy forever. He wins the Olympics.
Would you watch this movie?
Image via Imgur