Yesterday, I packed a bag, threw it in the car, and headed to Los Angeles. Specifically to the Beverly Hilton. Specifically to the Golden Globes. So that happened.

Well, I didn’t technically go to the party-party, but I totally watched a whole bunch of famous people walk by as they went to the party! And that’s practically the same thing by half. Also, at one point, I basically tackled Zooey Deschanel.

So here’s how it went down. I got my instructions to meet at the northwest corner of a parking structure in Culver City (Kimye was not there). At that point, my bag was searched, and someone waved a metal detector stick over me. Deemed non-dangerous, I boarded a shuttle that was stiflingly warm, and all of my makeup melted off.

Also did I mention that I had no idea what to wear? So I went with my favorite black dress from Ann Taylor, and having no idea if I’d be inside or outside, some black tights. And then because my toes were doing this weird thing in my high-heeled, spiky-toed boots, I went with the UGGs at the last minute, hoping that I’d run into Jennifer Lawrence and she would offer to be my best friend and share French fries forever if I would trade her shoes. We’re the same size you know. At least we are in the same universe where we’re bffs.

Anyway, it was about 3:30 at this point, and my credentials were for covering the red carpet for the after party -- which started after 8 p.m. That’s a lot of time to kill, folks, but the last shuttle into the party left the aforementioned structure at 4:30, and I didn’t want to miss the party.

So I got my badge thingy when I got to the Hilton, and was told to head on in. This is me trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing for the next five hours.

As I walked in the lobby, there was a big glass wall, and on the other side of that was a crush of people. I tried to find a spot to press my face against the glass to find out what was happening, and as I peered around bodies, I realized I was looking at the actual red carpet, you guys.

See? There’s Kristen Chenoweth. That is Glenda the Good from Wicked standing a mere 37 feet away from me, separated only by a wall of glass, a publicity booth, a camera man, and that guy with the microphone.

I also saw Ed O'Neill.

And Michael J. Fox, who is basically perfect in my book.

The stunning Edie Falco.

Taissa Farmiga from American Horror Story.

And then they finally asked everyone to take their seat, and all the famous people went off that way to find out which of them would be taking home more trophies.

The rest of us fought over the limited number of seats in the bar. I was glad I wore UGGs. There was much standing around. At least until I made friends with Sheila, a very nice lady from Florida that was out in LA with her son, and Tim, the private security guard guy. We got a table in what Sheila assured me was a good spot to watch celebs heading to the In Style after party.

And it was! It was! I saw Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ty Burrell, and Sarah Hyland from Modern Family.

Melissa McCarthy too!

And Joaquin Phoenix, who I kid you not, smiled directly at me when I shouted, "You brought your MOM to the Golden Globes? That is AWESOME!" I'm pretty sure he's about to propose marriage, just as soon as he tracks down my phone number.

And here's Johnny Galecki from Big Bang Theory.

After that, Sheila's son thought he might know someone that knew someone and maybe could sneak me into one of the after parties, which I totally would've done, just for you guys, because I love y'all so much. But that didn't pan out.

Then Tim the private security guard pulled out an invite to the HBO party, and asked if I'd be his plus-one. Dude. Duh. Of course!

Side note: All of the after parties were at the Beverly Hilton, in different ballrooms. I never knew that about awards shows. Or maybe that's unique to the Golden Globes. I don't know, maybe I'll just have to get a press pass to the Academy Awards to make sure.

Anyway, the closest I actually got to an after party was to wait in line, because as we got to the front, the HBO people were checking names on a list, and Tim had gotten the invite from someone else that blew it off. Can you believe there are people in the world that would blow off an HBO after party? Me neither.

Anyway, just as I was packing up to get out of there, Zooey Deschanel crossed my path. "ZOOOOEEEEEYYYYY! Can I get a picture?" I screamed, basically tackled her as I threw my iPhone to some random guy, and got this one picture in which I look six months pregnant, and she looks like a deer in the headlights. One of the dangers of having gorgeous doe-eyes, I suppose.

All in all, it was a great night, and I think my favorite part was just seeing all these stars in person. Because guess what? They look like real people in real life.

Now if someone could just give Joaquin my number, I'll be set.

Did you watch the Golden Globes?

 

Images via Jenny Erikson