Hold on to your butts and lock up your marital aids, y'all! Teen Mom gossip-land is humming with news that is all at once deeply troubling, and deeply sexy. (Now that's what I call a winning combination!) Remember that time Farrah Abraham made a straight-up porno wherein her backside was prominently featured released a private sex tape with some assistance from noted adult entertainment company Vivid? Of course you do.
Well it looks like she broke down the invisible wall separating all Teen Mom cast members from pursuing the porn careers they so desperately dreamed about. That's right. You heard me: Teen Mom sex tapes are apparently going to be a thing now. The big question remaining? Who is releasing a tape next?
More from The Stir: Farrah Abraham's 2013 Most-Searched Reality T.V. Star & That Is Insane
Apparently the auteur in question got schwasted, brought a not-James Deen pornstar home, and filmed their encounter. If this rumor is true, we're going to have to hold out for a while to learn who made the tape. I feel like there's got to be weight to the story. It would be weird to make up a rando Teen Mom sex tape story and not include a name. It's like randomly going online and being like "The entire cast of the series Scrubs has taken to performing erotic dances at select Piggly Wiggly grocery stories in rural Tennessee." Hilarious, but waaaay too weird to just like, say.
So who could it be? I sincerely hope that it isn't Amber Portwood. She's made such a big deal about being on the straight and narrow, and supporting her daughter, and making up for lost time. Now, I don't mean to undermine the complexities of sex work, or to be all sex-negative and what have you, but I feel like releasing such a tape might be detrimental to the work Amber has done. But maybe I'm wrong! Viva la revolution, Portwood.
The other option seems to be Maci Bookout. And by "other option" I mean the other cast member male Teen Mom fans discussing this rumor online would most like to see being entered by a strange man for pay. The internet is a weird and troubling place.
I am hoping that this is all just a baseless rumor. The world does not need more Teen Mom bits flying hither and yon. That said, if it has to be anyone, it is clear that the only acceptable alternative is Jenelle Evans' mom, Barbara "Ya High" Evans -- Babs to her friends. If Babs releases a sex tape I shall remove my clothing and bound naked down the streets of Manhattan barking like a seal, so great will my surceasing joy be.
Who do you think made a tape? Do you believe this rumor? What do you think Babs is into? I bet it's freaky.
Pens, pencils, markers, etc.