During World War I on the Western front, the English and German soldiers famously put down arms and celebrated across their dividing lines on Christmas day. It was a touching, bittersweet interlude in a war that would redefine Western civilization. While I doubt any member of the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills would have survived in the trenches, the analogy is not entirely without merit.
On tonight's episode, Yolanda Foster threw a dinner party. In the housewife universe, this is usually the equivalent of releasing poison gas on unsuspecting enemy forces. But, in the spirit of the season, grudges were put aside, while a plethora of Canadian castrati sung for the amusement of those gathered together. "Let there be BDSM masks and secret sex dungeons for all, and for all a sexy night!" Bellowed Carlton Gebbia feverishly from her sick-bed.
Yolanda invited the women over to her home in the spirit of turning over a new leaf of friendship. She was also celebrating having beaten the illness which had plagued her for many months. Often it was David Foster Wallace would wheel a sick Yolanda into the room where he keeps the paintings of his former wives. He claimed it was to inspire her recovery, but Yolanda knew a thinly veiled threat from a lite-rock composer when she heard one.
Even in the flush of good health, Yolanda could not help but stack the deck against a conflict-free evening. She decided, having stopped her maturation at roughly age 13, to draw bubble-hearts on the name cards of her REAL friends. Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, and Joyce Van Dutch Name -- none of them made the cut. It was Kim who gamely took the high road. She was rewarded with strawberries injected with Grand Marnier, which she savaged like a crocodile breaking the neck of a young Dik Dik.
The loser this evening was Brandi Glanville. She still has not found her dog, and she's peeved that her friends Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda try to restrict her drinking. Little does she know it is because she becomes a baby-voiced sociopath when she's been at the tipple -- something she reinforced this evening by going after Joyce. Brandi's only ally in the room was a teenage girl. Brandi, when your bestie in the room loudly pronounces that she's "so leaving" after dessert? Time to check your priorities. Back the war analogy -- Brandi was that random soldier who panics and throws themselves into No-Man's Land, unable to take the strain of war any longer.
There was not enough Carlton in this episode. She briefly made an appearance with her assistant Lizzie wherein they discussed plans for her 50 Shades of Grey type sex room. Presumably this drained her vital humors making her unable to attend Yolanda's fete. It's all for the best -- I don't think she could have contained eye-rolls when the tenors came warbling out with their wireless mics.
Did you think Yolanda's "heart" jab was intentional or subconscious like she claimed?
Image via Bravo