The ink has not yet dried on the ancient parchment scroll decreeing Khloe Kardashian's divorce from Lamar Odom official. Still, the vipers are already slithering all over it (metaphors are not my forte) leaking out spiteful venom as to whom she might be dating now that she's single. "Matt Kemp," hiss the vipers, "Rihanna's ex Matt Keeeeeeeemp," they scream.
Gossipmongers (like me and the aforementioned bucket of vipers) aren't the only ones interested in Khloe's love life. Comedian Steve Martin recently issued a statement via Twitter clarifying details about his relationship with everybody's favorite Kardashian. It was kind of the greatest thing to ever happen.
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Proving why he has earned my Twitter follow, Martin assured all and sundry that in spite of what they might have heard, he and Khloe "are just friends." In the course of so doing, he inadvertently kicked over the bucket of vipers who are now racing around Hollywood freaking out at the idea of Khloe and Steve as a couple.
Despite rumors, Khloé Kardashian and I are "just friends."— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) December 16, 2013
Is it wrong that I kind of ... love it? I mean, she's funny, so's he -- they are both charming and cute and not afraid of weirdness. Sadly Steve has been very happily married to Anne Stringfield since 2007. But it got me thinking about whom Khloe should date next -- when she feels ready. Khloe, girl, once you've eaten your fair share of ice cream and watched all of the British Television dramas of your choosing, let me know -- we'll hook it up.
Be sure to check out my new album, "Just Friends with Khloé Kardashian."— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) December 16, 2013
1. Tiger Woods
Khloe ain't got no time for cheaters! She'd whip his championship-winning butt into gear. Plus, you KNOW Tiger and Bruce would get along so well that they'd probably get their own show together. On it, they would fly toy airplanes and drunkenly ride around in golf carts. For sweeps, Brody and Khloe would get jealous.
2. George Clooney
It's time this notorious bachelor settled down. I think we all agree that Khloe would make for a great addition to George's home in Lake Como. Also Khloe an' Clooney?! Khlooney? THE GREATEST.
3. Michael Jordan
Yes, yes, he's married and just had a baby -- but let's play the what-if game. Khloe's dated (and married) athletes, so she could handle Jordan's world. Plus he'd help her resolve her daddy issue. Additionally their kids would be 100 feet tall.
Maybe it's time Khloe got a little bit wild! Nothing says wild like dating Drake -- to the strip club, son. Additionally this would stir up some nice drama for the show. Dating another singer is essentially stepping on Kim Kardashian's game, and I love it.
5. Robert Pattinson
He loves brunettes! And stormy personalities! Plus, how hard would you watch the show if RPattz was making an appearance? Let me answer that for you: The hardest you possibly could. Spinoff to include Khloe Takes London. In the promos she is dressed like a Beefeater.
6. Kris Humphries
The only downside here is that wouldn't last long. Because Kim would have Khloe murdered. She would probably hire a Throbtronian to eat Khloe feet-first while she slept. Kim is cruel mistress.
If you were playing matchmaker, whom would you set Khloe up with?
Image via Twitter