love actually 2Have I ever told you how much I love the movie Love Actually? Love hate-watching it, ACTUALLY. In my professional opinion, Love Actually is stank like an overripe blue cheese, which is why I kind of enjoy how horrible it is. There's just a special awfulness to it I find almost irresistible. Ooh, show us that scene with Hugh Grant prancing about 10 Downing to "I'm So Excited" again! The only thing better than hate-watching this movie is watching the trailer for Love Actually 2 -- which is out now!

The trailer is out now, that is, not the actual movie. And ACTUALLY, it's not a real movie -- it's a trailer parody. But it would be BRILLIANT (I say in my fake Love Actually English accent) if this were a real movie. It has everything: Violence, danger, magic, bad words, muggles, blood, zombies, hobbits, a pregnancy announcement -- in other words, this would be a rare case in which the sequel is better than the original.

Okay, what they did is create a mashup of the Love Actually cast members' other (superior) movies. Because, as a matter of fact, this probably is what the characters from Love Actually would most likely be up to, two years after their lives came smashing together in the most contrived, painful ways imaginable.

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Which reminds me, we should talk about why I hate Love Actually. Because it brings people together in the most contrived, painful ways imaginable, that's why. But if you want specifics, a single PM going after his much-younger English version of Monica Lewinsky junior staffer, Alan Rickman breaking Emma Thompson's heart (how dare you, Alan!), Colin Firth falling in love with a woman who only knows how to say "yes," a guy who demonstrates his crush on Keira Knightley by being a jerk to her and then doing that Bob Dylan card trick, Laura Linney getting denied the nookie she so clearly deserves -- shall I go on? Oh yeah, skinny-ass bloke travels to the Midwest and gets shagged all on account of his accent. All of these plot lines are invited to kiss my ass, but one at a time, please.

I do like the bit with the little kid, and also Bill Nighy's friendship with his manager. But mostly? All I want for Christmas is for Love Actually 2 to be a real movie.

So are you team Love Actually, or does that movie's foul fumes make you high, too?

 

Image via Official Comedy/YouTube