real housewives of beverly hills If I were ever to be cast as a member of a Real Housewives spin-off, I would come in it having done a good amount homework. Chief among the things I have learned from years of watching? Nothing good has ever come from a Real Housewives getaway. This week's trip to sunny Palm Springs was no exception to the rule.

The remote location and extreme heat already had all of the women up in arms. Joyce Giraud de Ohoven thought she'd found a picturesque retreat wherein bonding with the ladies would happen easily. The ladies in question were having none of it. They found the trip long, their rooms lacking, and the idea of lounging around a pool all day a dull idea indeed. I turned into everybody's surly Yenta, bellowing at my T.V., "I should have such problems!" 

Boredom plus discomfort equals one hot, Housewife-y mess and a half. Without activities to entertain them, the women all default to their favored pastimes -- day-drinking and girl-on-girl crime. This week, that formula was spiced up with a little Sapphic content, while Brandi Glanville and Carlton Gebbia flirted with the idea of flirting with each other. Get back to me when they realize it's love and decide to leave their respective partners. As it stands now -- whatever. Lame. Stop trying to make being a fake-lesbian seem "edgy," show. That's like my mom wearing a studded leather collar -- hilarious and wrong. Side-note: Buy my mom a studded leather collar. Side-note to the side-note: NBC's Dracula is treating lesbians better and it's essentially just fetishing them. 

Things were slow to reach a boiling point, but when they finally did over dinner, they REALLY did. Brandi has decided not to call Joyce by her name, but instead to call her Jacqueline -- simply because it irritates her. When Joyce is angry, she reminds me of a possessed Barbie doll. I fully expected her head to begin spinning around 360 degrees. When Brandi got really nasty at dinner, booze could definitely be blamed. But it wasn't really a factor when she mocked Joyce for not swimming by asking her if she were black. BRANDI! NO! How do you make that situation worse? By then being all "it's cool, my black friends would love that joke." Nah man. In fact, a good friend of any race would hear that comment and hold you under the water until you've had time to realize you're being a racist banana-head. 

Are you team Joyce or team Brandi?


Image via Bravo