carrie underwoodRemember that high school production of The Sound of Music you saw like 25 years ago? The one where you started squirming in your seat about a quarter of a way through the first act, grimacing at the way that tall kid from algebra class sang like a tone-deaf robot and wondering what the hell kind of accent the girl playing Maria was going for, exactly (Austrian? British? Maybe even Jamaican!)? 

Well, it pains me to say this, but that two-bit amateur play was better than The Sound of Music Live! on NBC. It pains me to say this, too, but Carrie Underwood might just be a way, way worse actress than that teenaged Maria with the fake Jamaican accent. And as for that tone-deaf robot ...

To be fair, Stephen Moyer isn't tone-deaf. And while he's not exactly a robot, he's no Captain Von Trapp either. I'm not sure who he was trying to be, honestly: Bill from that Victorian-era episode of True Blood? Okay, okay -- obviously, nobody could ever live up to Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer, but, um, here's an idea: How 'bout don't even try?! 

Unfortunately -- or fortunately if you like to laugh at other people's awkward career missteps -- NBC did try. They went ahead and tried to live up to one of the most iconic films of all time. And you know what happened? Bad things. Such as: 

1. Every word Carrie Underwood spoke. NO exaggeration. And that costume?? Julie Andrews never looked like an Austrian Barbie doll.

2. The kids. Every last one of 'em. Are you telling me out of all the gazillions of child actors who tried out for this gig, these were the most charming of the bunch?!

3. No puppets?! Look. If you're gonna do the yodeling song, you gotta do it with the creepy goat puppets. Or if you're not gonna do the creepy goat puppets, maybe do anything EXCEPT turn the scene into some uncomfortable version of blindfolded tag called "Run Away From the Pedophile."

4. The Nazi nightclub scene. Were the producers worried that, despite all the Heil Hitler-ing, audiences might not pick up on the whole World War II situation? Or were they maybe trying to appeal to fans of Pink Floyd's The Wall

5. The credits. Sure, people love behind-the-scenes clips, and it is comforting to see Carrie Underwood without that weird strudel hairdo, but seeing all the stars dancing around in their mall fashions really went and sucked every last drop of authentic Austrian-ishness out of this ill-advised remake like wiener out of a schnitzel -- and pumped it full of pure American pop culture.

When the dog bites/When the bee stings/When I watch this show ...

What did you think about The Sound of Music Live!?


Image via NBC