Little did we know that when Bruce Jenner began growing his epic (and reportedly sentient) long hair, he planned to use it and the power of flight to escape the high-walled prison of his marriage to Kris Jenner. Yet escape he did. Now Bruce's hair remains long as a symbol of freedom meant to inspire others in captivity. How do you like them apples, Nelson Mandala?
Now it seems that Bruce is on deck to reap all the rewards that his indentured servitude once denied him. Publishers are reportedly clamoring (a word that always makes me picture them stuck in an old-time phonebooth wearing fedoras and holding golf-pencils) to get Bruce to write a tell-all memoir about his marriage. As if ripping on your ex publicly wasn't incentive enough (mean, that was a mean thing to say), they are offering him MORE MONEY THAN MOST OF US WILL EVER SEE.
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Though Kim Kardashian has warned him that the penning of such a tome will immediately force her to leave him unprotected from any potential attacks from the legions of Throbtron, the idea that he could make $15M for the book is definitely enough to tempt him. If he did sit down and put chisel to rock, here are some things he should totally share:
1.) What Does Kris Jenner Sleep In?
I secretly hope all the pajamas we've seen are just a front and that Kris can only slumber when wearing a full, professional American football player's uniform and padding.
2.) What Is His Stance on the 'K' Names?
Much as he adores Khloe and Kourtney, you just know the dude fought for a 'B' name -- at least one! I wonder how Kris managed to placate him. Whips and chains had to have been involved. Maybe also a cheetah.
3.) Does Kris Have Any Weird Personal Habits?
She might ooze style, class, and white wine, but I love the idea that Kris Jenner has a secret room in her home that is reserved solely for farting. What does she call it, Bruce, how is it decorated?
4.) Who Was the Baddest Kardashian Daughter Growing Up?
I feel like it was probably Kim? But that seems too obvious. Maybe Khloe Kardashian threw a crazy orgy and filled the family pool with bourbon at the age of 13 -- I MUST BE TOLD!
The world may never know. Because this is probably just a rumor, right? I feel as though Bruce (however passionate his devotion to flying tiny aircrafts may be) is a good dad. I don't think he'd relish the opportunity to slander the mother of his daughters in public. That said, for $15M, I would be happy to do it for him. Thank you, thank you, this is Rodney Dangerfield, Rebecca is off somewhere probably eating a small, microwaveable chicken pot pie.
What secrets about Kris do you think Bruce really knows?
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