Dearest Downton fans, I fear my DA enthusiasm has been waning of late. I read reports of a tiresome plot line about Lady Mary moping about the Abbey, mourning the loss of husband Matthew long after the door hit Dan Stevens on his way out. Then I heard about that weird, under-cooked rape story line. I just don't know where series 4 is going. Should I bother tuning in come January? Only one thing could possible save the show as far as I'm concerned: A role on Downton Abbey for Mike Tyson.
Yes, that Mike Tyson. The former prize fighter with the perplexing face tattoo. Not only does Tyson watch Downton Abbey, HE LIKES IT, and he wants a role on the show. Oh please, TV gods, please? This is all I ask for Christmas. Put Mike Tyson on Downton Abbey!
As it happens, Tyson is heading to London to perform in his one-man play, Tyson: Undisputed Truth. So it's not like he's new to the performing arts. He told Shortlist magazine he'd like to get more acting gigs. "I'm coming to the West End soon for my one-man show, so maybe when I fly to the U.K. they'll give me a part on Downton Abbey. I like that show. I'm sure they could give me a part." So am I, Tyson. So am I. Here's a few ideas, Julian Fellowes and Rebecca Eaton, in case you're paying attention.
1. Cason's replacement: Apparently we got through season 4 without any untimely deaths. You know what that means: Somebody important must die in season 5. I think Carson would be perfect. Get rid of the hard-liner; bring in someone who will keep that wily Thomas in line.
2. Violet's new lover: After decades of tirelessly upholding the social mores of upper-class life through sheer will, habit, and a never-ending stream of zingers, the Dowager Countess has had enough. She spots prize fighter Nigel Dalrymple-Smythe in the papers and is instantly smitten. How she woos him makes for the most explosive, must-see season of DA ever.
3. Harbinger of Doom from the future: Tyson plays himself, gone back in time via time machine. He warns the Crawleys of the obvious -- they will get old and crusty, the money will run out, and they'll have to rent out Downton to American tourists. Horrors!
4. Scotsman on a walking holiday: This is a thing they do in the UK -- go on walking holidays, where they spend their entire vacation just walking around the countryside. Don't criticize, it's tradition. Anyhoo, Tyson wanders onto the Abbey's lands wearing a kilt (he's Scottish) and Lady Edith finds him irresistible. She dumps her fusty, married editor lover and dons her hiking shoes and tweeds to follow Tyson. Best sex ever, obvs. Can't wait to hear Tyson's Scottish brogue.
5. Klingon Chancellor Gorkon: As long as we're jumping the shark here, we might as well go all the way with a Star Trek cameo.
Can you see any possibilities for Mike Tyson on Downton Abbey?
Image via Brian Birzer/Flickr