When you think of Christmas, what comes to mind? Slot machines? Laser lights? Kim Kardashian's boobs? If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you may want to check your birth certificate to make absolutely certain you weren't born into the Kardashian-Jenner clan. If their outrageous 2013 Christmas card is to be believed -- 'tis the season to head to Vegas, drape your body in Cleopatra garb, bare your legs, and pose with your stiletto heel digging fiercely into the many gossip mags spread across the glittery floor. 

And if you're having marital troubles (cough, cough, Kris), there's a solution for that: stick your husband in a glass-enclosed vessel and voila -- problem solved. Seriously, you have to see the photos to believe it, but this is the most bombastic Kardashian Christmas card yet. 

The Kardashians are making the world a more exciting place by refusing to put out that same-old, same-old Xmas card you get every year from relatives: the one where the family gathers around the tree dressed in identical red sweaters that cover their mammary glands. Instead, they took their act into a garish gold and neon-lit casino and hired photog genius David LaChapelle to make them look like members of some intergalactic race of gold statue people. 

But wait! There are major players missing from these photos. Where is baby Nori? Where is Kanye? Okay, we really didn't expect Kanye to make an appearance, did we? But where the hell is Scott? According to reports, all of the men in these ladies' lives except Bruce (who must have been dragged kicking and screaming) declined to be included in the shoot. And, while Kim left baby North out, Kourtney fought to include her children in ... what I thought was a "family photo," which should include children, no? 

Oh, stupid me. Look at these pictures. Of course a child has no place in any of them!

 

I saved the wackiest for last. Can you spot Bruce? He's the one frozen in a case of glass labeled "cashier." Can you feel the love?

Absolutely. Awesome.

What do you think of the 2013 Kardashian Christmas Card?

 

Images via KrisJenner/Instagram/E!/David LaChapelle/The Kardashians