It never fails: the moment People's choice for "Sexiest Man Alive" hits the media, the backlash starts rolling in. This time-honored ritual is as predictable as the tides, and if there's one thing we can agree on when it comes to singling out the sexiest man in show business, it's that there will never be consensus on who this person should be.
That said, Adam Levine? ADAM LEVINE. I mean … Adam Levine.
I could list the various reasons why I personally don't find Adam Levine to be the sexiest man alive or even the sexiest man named "Adam Levine," but you know what, the Internet pretty much went ahead and did that for me. While I'm sure there are those who wholeheartedly agree with People's choice for Sexiest Man of 2013, I'm much more aligned with the folks who have been downright creative in expressing their stern disapproval.
We can mostly agree that Sexiest Man Alive is a meaningless title. Past winners include safe choices like Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds — all perfectly pleasant-seeming guys with personalities about as exciting and inoffensive as a Pillsbury Crescent roll. But say you took that Pillsbury Crescent roll, sprinkled it with broken glass and turned it into an outspoken yoga enthusiast who won't stop trying to talk you into anal — then you have Adam Levine. Come on, People. It's "Sexiest Man Alive," not "Person Who Most Reminds You of an Infection You Got from a Hot Tub." -- Jezebel
If scrawny-bodied, giraffe-necked, 2-day stubble guys with hair growth creeping down their necks are 'in,' then yes, I can see why People chose this guy. -- commenter Robin Long
A sexy douche is still a douche. Sorry, People. -- Buzzfeed
The chest of the Sexiest Man Alive is permanently inscribed with a string of Mardi Gras beads. The Sexiest Man Alive has a shark tattoo, which is one step away from a dolphin. The preferred birth control method of the Sexiest Man Alive is pulling out. The Sexiest Man Alive named his band Maroon 5. What can account for People's bizarre choice? -- Slate
Can we stop pretending that Adam Levine isn’t just a better-looking Guy Fieri? -- @OhNoSheTwitnt
Adam Levine named 'Sexiest Man Alive' for 2013: People magazine. Hot! Like a CPA w/tats. -- Bruce Campbell
So America’s hottest pretty boy douche, Adam Levine, has been anointed the Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine. Though I would totally hit it — however, I would prefer that Blake Shelton also be in the room — I really think People could have done better. But think of how many others must have passed for People to finally have arrived at Adam. I’m guessing Idris Elba, Justin Timberlake, the Hemsworth brothers, Chris Pine all said no. Richard Simmons, Bruce Jenner, Scott Disick, Harry Styles … they must have said no too. So now we have Adam. The Sexiest Man Alive. -- The Frisky
I've seen compost piles that are sexier than Adam Levine. -- @maggieserota
Look at that jaw, it really juts out on the side. His brow ridges are such that he could probably stand in the shower and keep his eyes open. -- Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University who studies "love and attraction" (Okay, this isn't technically an insult but HAAA.)
There is NO way Adam Levine is the sexiest man alive when Idris Elba is somewhere breathing! -- @amandaseales
HELL YES on that last one. Also, a final word on the subject from Google's search engine:
So what do you think? IS Adam Levine in fact the sexiest man alive?
Image via People