kanye westDear Kanye,

(You weren't really expecting me to call you "Yeezus," were you, bro?) Look, I get that you have a lot to say, and Imma let you finish, cause being a nice guy is kind of my thing, but ... frankly, we have a few issues to straighten out here. First of all, that guy you're dressing up in my clothes and bringing up onstage with you? Dude looks nothing like me. And can you please stop calling him "white Jesus"? Why you gotta make it a race thing, man? I mean, I could be purple Jesus if I felt like it. Barney Christ, ha! I'm GOD, yo.

Which brings me to another little problem -- can you, like, STOP calling yourself God? I don't go around calling myself Kanye, and I'm pretty sure if I did, you'd have my ass in court in no time. You know, it's like I've been trying to tell people for centuries: Do unto others. Why is that so hard for y'all to understand??

Then there's that song you wrote about me, "Jesus Walks."

For starters, everybody already knows I can walk ... on water, no less. So I'm not sure why you're talking up my least impressive skill. But my biggest beef is with the following line: 

The way Kathie Lee needed Regis/ That's the way I need Jesus

Tell me you didn't just compare me to Regis Philbin. TELL ME YOU DIDN'T. "Regis" and "Jesus" don't even rhyme! You'd be better off writing some sh*t about "Hoda" and "Yoda." While we're on the subject of names, though, I gotta tell ya -- we were all pretty relieved up here when you didn't name that baby Virgin Mary West or Jeezy West or something else incredibly arrogant/blasphemous. So, points for that.

Also, I will admit that you're not my BIGGEST problem right now. Mother of God, you wouldn't believe the crap I'm dealing with -- they made a musical about me using Britney Spears music, Chris Brown did that creepy-ass painting of me on the cross with the superhero six-pack (that's a lot of pressure, peeps expecting me to maintain that physique! You heard it here first: Jesus Loves Himself Some Cronuts), that old lady turned me into "Beast Jesus." 

Basically, Kanye, what I'm trying to say unto thee is: Tone it down a notch. You wanna bring Kim back to Rio and pose in front of that big ass statue of me again? Fine. I can deal with that. Thank me ad infinitum at every awards ceremony for the rest of your life? Knock yourself out. But for the love of God, get that poser Messiah off your stage.

Sincerely,

Jesus (the one and only)

What do you think Jesus would say to Kanye West?

 

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