I change sides when watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as quickly as the women change form-fitting satin frocks or Italy traded allegiances during WWI. Last week, I was staunchly anti-Lisa Vanderpump. This week, I was turning my chair 90 degrees, all the better to give Brandi Glanville a hearty dose of Becca-Stokes-brand side-eye. Sure, Brandi is as funny as they come, but lady, don't play like every major moment of this week's drama came courtesy of her stealthy pot-stirring. I see you boo, making all dem womenz cry.
This week we got to know both of the new ladies a little bit better. While Joyce Giraud de Ohoven and her Chico's originals twinsets (burn, Chico's, burn) continue to fall in my estimation, I just dig on Carlton Gebbia more and more. Next week I might be forced to do a recap that's just "Here Are the Best Things Carlton Said This Week." I'm not alone in my obsession.
Yolanda Foster is positively smitten with her and I love it. What do you think Yolanda would look like with a thick, black moustache? I think pretty good. While Carlton and Yolanda bonded over their love of each other and beautiful women, a limo carrying the other ladies was on its way to Carlton's palatial estate. Two things about Carlton that I adore before we go on. She once practiced dark magic, and she believes that women could rule the world if we get out of our own way. If she started a cult, I would join it. Yolanda already has, but she was susceptible -- Lyme disease, etc.
Carlton's home is riddled with "Victorian Balls," but I don't even care -- her place is wicked beautiful. Now I don't think I'd ever go a modern-gothic route when a designing a home, but lemme give the bitch her propers -- Carlton's home with its doll collection, its confessional, and its sacred touches is a scrumptious study in artful weirdness. The house is a real individual. It goes with the woman herself!
Carlton has zero time for bullshit, which is really too bad because she's invited Kyle "100 Percent Bullshit" Richards to her home for a meal. In a matter of minutes Kyle insults her by asking her about her religion and then demanding if she were a "real witch." She treats Kyle much the way my cats treat each other when they are annoyed -- she sneered and relocated after giving Kyle a cursory explanation of what it means to be Wiccan.
While Kyle and Kim Richards busied themselves being the worst house guests ever, Brandi tattled to Lisa Vanderpump about the group's gossip on the ride over regarding her "fainting" on DWTS. What Brandi failed to mention? She had totally been part of that snide bitchfest! Sure, she copped to her meanness in her talking-head, but not to Lisa who had to take a moment to collect herself on the (breathtaking) patio.
But Brandi wasn't done there. She decided lunch was as good a time as any to confront Kim about the rumors her husband was stepping out on her. I was squirming in my seat, but only because I did not know Kyle's face could move the amount it did when she tried to process Brandi's attack. In other news, we learned that Joyce has a very tiny vagina, that Carlton has killer comic delivery, and that Kathy Hilton, not a character on this show, collects creepy dolls (of which Paris and Nicky Hilton are two). You slay me, television, you really do.
Did you think the Richards sisters were rude to Carlton?
Image via Bravo