Did you hear the wonderful news? Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting married! Hey, why are you rolling your eyes at me like that? I can't believe you'd doubt me. I happen to have this on the best authority -- the news comes via Life & Style magazine, the print version. And you know what print means: Truthiness, unlike the stuff we make up here in bloggy Internet land. But in case that's not convincing enough for you, I have an even better source. Behold, I, even I, staff writer for The Stir, have been sent their wedding announcement. Do you want to see it? OF COURSE YOU DO!
Here, I'll scan in an image of it for you. I wish you could feel this cardstock. It's creamy and gorgeous, just like the lucky couple. I think they scented the card, too. And the envelope was stuffed with golden star confetti -- that's so Robsten! Squee! Okay, here it is.
Yeah, it's not true you guys. I don't know why Life and Style would make up such a preposterous story considering these two have been broken up for months. If anything, you'd think it would repel sales. You'd think women would be burning copies of the magazine just for their audacity to rehash that stupid yarn -- except no one cares enough to bother finding matches and a safe place to light a fire. But you know what? I really do have to follow up that bogus wedding announcement with a Robsten bonfire. Because you know what? Here's my real announcement: I WILL NOT BE WRITING ANY MORE POSTS ABOUT ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART'S RELATIONSHIP! Finito, stick a fork in me, I am done.
And now it's time for me to burn my smudge sticks on this relationship. It's over. OVER, world, OVER!
Now, can we please all just move on with our lives?
Are you sick of all the stories about Rob and Kristen's relationship?
Images via Life & Style, Summit Entertainment, Heidi De Vries/Flickr