Prior to this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I adored Lisa Vanderpump. She was like Defoe's Moll Flanders, tenacious and plucky -- minus all the whoring. I wanted to go to her house and sit in a bed of thorn-less, pink roses with her and make snide remarks about all the people we knew. This season though, her occasionally sharp witticisms have vanished. Instead, she's subbed out subtlety with being just a big ol' bitch. I guess this is what happens when you stop eating in order to appear on a competitive dance show with some fellow named Gleb.
The dividing line was hewed in platinum and diamonds this week. On one side, Lisa Vanderpump, Brandi Glanville, and Yolanda Foster. On the other side, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Kim Richards' terrifying dog Murderer the Clown, and Joyce Giraud de Ohoven. Off in the corner glowering at the room and hissing about pentagrams while cursing at her children is my current favorite, Carlton Gebbia.
More from The Stir: Lisa Vanderpump Serves Kyle Richards Some Serious Cool Shoulder
The dividing line is also a stripper's pole and I'm making my bottom dance. Later my bottom will do shots and catch the eye of a handsome if aged tycoon -- or so it tells me. You know how it is. What am I, my bottom's keeper? Hardly.
I often wonder with these shows if there comes a moment where your regret in choosing to participate crystallizes. I think we got our answer to that question the moment Carlton watched Kyle et al. murder a bee at her boring outdoor salad party. In real life, you go home from those gatherings, smudge your home with sage, say a quick prayer to Anubis, and never hang out with those people again. Carlton doesn't have that luxury because she's on a T.V. show with them. At best she can use dark magic to curse all and sundry. I don't mean to denigrate her system of belief. But god, what I wouldn't give for a day where Kyle Richards woke to discover that her arms and legs had been turned into breasts. Like Kafka, but with nipples, you know? Divine.
Kyle and Lisa continue blindly thinking that they are friends, when in fact they are mortal enemies. They spend most of their time trashing each other. Lisa snipes about Kyle only befriending people with houses on the markets. Kyle trills about Lisa faking-a-faint on Dancing With the Stars. In the distance Ken Todd is crying about uRINals. URINals! Emphasis absolutely his.
In other news and the Becca-points tally to date: Yolanda got her Lyme Disease port removed, plus 17,000 Becca-points. David Foster Wallace earned 11 Becca-points by being decent to her throughout. He lost 80 Becca-points because of Air Supply. Finally, Brandi's rented a new house with a foul oven (minus 7 Becca-points) and her mom looks like Paula Poundstone (plus infinity Becca-points).
Do you think Kyle is better off forgetting about her friendship with Lisa?
Image via BravoTV.com