Big Tips Texas is back! I primed myself with coffee for the 11:30 p.m. air-time. What? I am 800 years old. Deal with it. This week, alliances changed again (if you can call them that), horses were ridden, faux-redneck terms were created, and every single girl in the cast was kicked out of a very nice restaurant. All told, it was a jolly old time in Texas.
Remember how Morgan Adler and Amber Rosales made up so they could hate Mimi together? Yeah, it lasted roughly four minutes. And then remember the time you did well at your job and your boss sent you out on the town in a limo for a nice dinner? Meeee neither. But the Redneck Heaven girls do, because it just aired on television.
More from The Stir: 'Big Tips Texas' Recap: Alliances Are Formed & Worms Are Eaten
As a reward for the excellent manner in which they wear bootie shorts and collect dollars, their boss sent the girls out for a night on the town. He even hired a tacky stretch SUV limo to fetch them. The new girls all get ready together -- except for Mimi who's now an honorary "veteran." Yeah, I don't even know. Amber did a total about face and apologized to Mimi whose face she tried to pull off just a week ago. Now they are best friends, or as the homophobic barrel racer Morgan puts it -- butt buddies.
Reaaaaal decent statement, Morgan. I salute both you and your near obsessive love for headbands. *Slow clap in her direction*
But Morgan isn't one to dwell. She's forgiven Mimi for mentioning that her boyfriend was hot (don't forget -- that's the extent of the chick's actual crimes). Now she's back to ripping Amber apart for being fake. There was a brief pause while the girls pretended not to know what paté or escargot were, then a brawl, and then they got kicked out of the fancy French restaurant, shaming the name of Redneck Heaven -- OH WAIT. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Here are my 5 favorite quotes from the episode. I think they capture the mood flawlessly:
1.) Kristyn: "She's bipolarexual."
Because deriding your enemy by mocking mental illness AND homosexuality is in no way gross.
2.) Mimi: "Nothing says bonding like lingerie shopping."
She said this before hitting up the lingerie shop with Morgan. If this statement is true, I have bonded with no one in my life.
3.) Amber: "I promise I won't let my ass hang out."
Amber's thoughts on the evening's dress code and what it means to be "classy." She said this, I should add, to her boss.
4.) Morgan: "Right now? Barrel racing just isn't paying the bills."
You guys. She said it with a totally straight face. Like we might be shocked to learn that making a horse run in several tight circles has not made her a millionaire.
5.) All the veterans: "#REALHAIRDONTCARE"
Uh-oh -- there's a new beef brewing! The weave-wearers versus the natural-haired girls. It's like something out of Shakespeare! Or conversely, my nightmares.
Do you think Amber is deliberately trying to mess with Morgan?
Image via MTV.com