robert pattinsonIt's already happened! You guys, Robert Pattinson and Dylan Penn broke up -- before we could even come up with the perfect portmanteau for them, too. (RobPenn, PattDylan, RobLan ...) That's what I've heard, anyway. Since neither ever really confirmed that they were a pair, it's kind of hard for them to confirm that they've broken up. But when a "source" speaks, you have to believe-ish.

The source says Dylan wants out because of all the publicity. “She doesn’t want to be known as Rob’s girlfriend. She’s afraid to get serious with him and lose her privacy.” Well, we've one-upped that source. It just so happens that we sent a spy from The Stir to trail Rob and Dylan*, and we happened to record their breakup. Here is the transcript from that fateful meeting.

Dylan: Ugh, Rob, those photographers are following us again. Why do we have to keep meeting in public? This is getting so old.

Rob: Just ignore them. [Turns around and waves at photographers.] Um, you're wearing heels again? I thought we talked about this ...

Dylan: Rob, you're still taller than I am, even when I wear heels! Wait, stop a minute. I have to do something. [Picks nose.]

Rob: Urghh! That's disgusting! What the hell!

Dylan: There was something stuck up there! Geez, what am I supposed to do? Carry around tissues? Ooh, these new undies are sooo uncomfortable. [Stops again to reach under her skirt and dig briefs out from her crack.] That's better!

Rob: You know, I'd be perfectly happy sort that out for you. In private.

Dylan: Babe, you're cramping my style. I'm used to wandering alone, anonymously.

Fans passing by: Omigawd! It's RobPenn! You two are so cute! Can we take a photo with you? Hold hands again!

Dylan: RobPenn?!? MY NAME! IS DYLAN PENN!

Rob: Oh calm down.

More fans gather: Hey, it's Robert Pattinson and whatshername, that girl he's dating!

Dylan: DYLAN PENN DYLAN PENN!

Fans: Um, whatever, Rob's Girlfriend of the Week.

Dylan: Did you hear that?!? I was trying to have a serious modeling career, and now I'm just known as YOUR girlfriend!

Rob: Well, that kind of is your greatest accomplishment so far. I mean, your modeling career isn't exactly taking off, so ...

Dylan: How dare you!

Rob: Babe, it's not a big deal. I'm cool with it. You're hot, we're hanging, it's all good. Now come on, we're going to miss the show.

Dylan: My modeling career is totally happening! I'm huge in Belgium. Shut up. Why am I even dating you anymore? You won't fuck me and I always have to drive.

Rob: I thought you were dating me because I'm Robert Pattinson ...? I mean, isn't that the point?

Dylan: No! Yes! No! I mean -- I don't know who I am anymore. I'm getting sucked into your world. I'm losing my identity. I think ... I think we need to stop seeing each other.

Rob: [Scrolling through text messages.] Uh, okay babe, that's cool.

Dylan: That's cool?!? I just dumped your ass. You don't even care?

Rob: [Looks up from phone.] Sorry, what? Oh yeah. No -- it's no problem. It's been fun and all, but we were kind of done here anyway, weren't we? I've got a line of ladies queued up here. No hard feelings. Please, take a goody bag on your way out.

Dylan: Ugh! Asshole! [Stalks off.]

Rob: [Talking into phone.] Yeah, Kris Jenner? Hey, it's Rob. Yeah, turns out I'm free tonight after all. Wanna meet up?

*Of course this is not true at all.

Who do you think Robert Pattinson will date next?

 

Image via Hubert Boesl/dpa/Corbis