I should mention before I say anything else that while I am not technically "from" Texas, I have long considered it to be my spiritual home. So it goes to follow that when I heard MTV was airing a new reality show about a bunch of girls working in a Coyote-Ugly-style bar in Fort Worth, I was already sitting down in front of my TV waiting for it to air. It was tough. I had to go to the bathroom, which I really should have thought through before sitting down after waiting many months for the arrival of a TV show.
BUT -- I. Was. Not. Disappointed. If you're looking for a glowing commendation of the people of this proud state, you've come to the wrong place. But if you've come to witness weave-pulling, girl-on-girl beat-downs, sassy pregnant goats, and the horror that is THE MINNOW BOMB, you have come to the right place indeed, friend. Please, sit by me and let us revel.
The women who work at the bar in question -- Redneck Heaven -- are divided into "New Girls" and "Veterans." That's right, on one side of the bar it is Zooey Deschanel, on the other, Gary Sinise in Forrest Gump, and ne'er the twain shall meet. The biggest beefs on the floor? Well that's between new girl Morgan Adler and veteran Amber Rosales. Both women ... ARE MESMERIZING.
Morgan is desperate to be a professional barrel racer. No joke. She actually begins bawling out of envy while watching others do it at the rodeo. In order to fund her horse-riding habit, she's taken the job at Redneck Heaven. She's obsessed with her weave, headbands, horses, her boyfriend, and hating Amber more than is humanly possible. Seriously though. The looks this woman sends Morgan's way would make me punch her, and I have the temperament and fists of a tiny, pudgy Buddha.
Also, I don't think Amber is anyone I'd ever cross. The woman peed in her own backyard after, like, half a glass of wine! She is a drunk mess! She gets Hulk-style angry! SHE MADE A NEW GIRL DRINK A LIVE MINNOW. A LIVE MINNOW, Y'ALL. Apparently, this is a Redneck Heaven tradition called "the minnow bomb." You know what else is a tradition? Me screaming into my pillow as my cat flees the room.
So much else went down, not limited to a topless boat party, corporate back-stabbery, a goat being accused of the rape of another goat, a woman whose name is actually spelled T-Y-P-H-A-N-I, and man-juice getting into someone's weave. Excuse me, I have to drop the mic on that one. Stokes out!
I am totally watching this again -- are you?
Image via MTV.com