I'd heard that Comedy Central was doing a roast of actor/artist/perennial weirdo James Franco on Monday night, but I figured it would be the same sort of cringeworthy mess as every other celebrity roast. I think the last one I watched was David Hasselhoff's, where one of the big jokes of the night was, "It's kind of ironic that you made millions playing a lifeguard, because every night you drown in your own sorrows."
LOL it's funny because he's an alcoholic! Ugh.
Clearly I have arbitrary lines about what I find acceptable in terms of obnoxious humor, though, because now that I've heard some of the jokes that were dished out at Franco's event, it sounds like it was HYSTERICAL. The jokes were politically incorrect, homophobic, crass, and downright offensive on any number of levels -- and I really wish I'd watched it.
Here are 15 of the most outrageous one-liners from James Franco's roast, and here also is your warning I'm about to share some very bad language.
Look at me doing all the talking while you sit there doing nothing. I feel like I'm co-hosting the Oscars with you. -- Seth Rogen
Just remember, if anyone bombs here tonight, they're just doing an impression of James Franco at the Oscars. -- Nick Kroll
Everyone is gonna make fun of James Franco for the Oscars, it's obvious. Everyone was saying James was dead up there! But I think that was Anne Hathaway's fault. I mean, fuck her for trying, like, at all! -- Jonah Hill
You know how you always hear George Clooney and other big movie stars saying, 'My philosophy for making movies is: one for them and one for me.' But not my guy James. James is a rebel. He has his own philosophy on this: one for them, five for nobody. -- Jonah Hill
We’re here for James to live out one of his sexual fantasies. To have a room full of his friends shit all over him. -- Seth Rogen
Seth Rogen has a writing partner named Evan Goldberg. Seth, what does this other guy look like that you are the face of this operation? -- Nick Kroll
I don't think James Franco is necessarily gay or straight. I think he literally can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking. -- Sarah Silverman
Jonah Hill was born and raised in Hollywood, and you can tell – he's a name-dropper with big tits and an eating disorder. -- Natasha Leggero
I first was wondering why James would do this roast. Then I saw Spring Breakers and I was like ‘Oh, he’ll do anything.’ -- Natasha Leggero
Bill Hader was brilliant on "SNL" and when he left the show every single person was like, 'What are you doing? You're never ever going to work again.' And what does my man Bill do? Boom, he books a T-Mobile commercial. Who's laughing now, Lorne Michaels? -- Jonah Hill
I've been up here longer than I was in This Is the End. The funniest part of This Is the End to me is that if James Franco actually had that party, I don't think I would have been invited. -- Aziz Ansari
Jonah Hill is here. A lot of people are going to touch on your weight tonight Jonah. But not enough people are going to touch on how much of an asshole you’ve become. -- Nick Kroll
Wow, so many gay jokes about James Franco tonight. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed, and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are just gonna fly into your face? -- Aziz Ansari
I don’t care if you fuck guys or fuck girls. All I know is that you fucked me out of 12 dollars when I went to see that Wizard of OZ movie. -- Jeff Ross
I agreed to do this roast because I wanted to do something I've never done before – something that has zero artistic value, something nobody will remember three months from now, something that's offensive, homophobic and stars horrifically untalented people and something that's only a big deal to a handful of teenage stoners on Twitter. -- James Franco
Okay, 'fess up -- did any of these make you laugh?
Image via Comedy Central